Justice League is in cinemas now. While it's not as crappy as Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice or Suicide Squad (which has 16 of its own most ridiculous moments) it's still packed with its own super team of dumb decisions and unintentionally hilarious beats. Here are 13 of the best.
1| Superman's face
Contractual agreements with Paramount for Mission: Impossible 6 meant that Henry Cavill wasn't allowed to shave off his facial hair for Joss Whedon's reshoots. Instead they decided to CGI it out. The result is Superman with a top lip that looks like it's from another world—an uncanny valley top lip, if you will. Off-putting to say the least.
2| But seriously, where's Aquaman?
Bruce Wayne is searching for Aquaman in the village where he knows Aquaman hangs out. But where is he? Seriously guys, where is Aquaman? You, uncommonly tall man with the long hair, huge muscles, crazy tats and weird contact lenses? Can you tell me where Aquaman is?
I mean I saw him in this video I pinched off Lex Luther's computer, and later Amanda Waller gave me some printouts of him, but I just can't find him anywhere! Oh wait, there's a crude drawing of a man with some fish on the wall. Sorted.
3| The Janitor's wife
Justice League is tonally all over the place, with a load of gags that don't land (more on that later). But perhaps nothing sticks out as much as the 'jokey' news report with a woman ranting that her husband has been kidnapped by aliens.
Her husband is the STAR Labs janitor, apparently (no, we didn't instantly follow that either). Either way, the report, clumsily superimposed on a screen as a prelude to Martha Kent and Lois Lane talking about their dead son/fiancé is the sorest thumb in an ocean of aching digits.
3| Steppenwolf's 'interrogation' of said janitor
Steppenwolf kidnaps a load of scientists who he thinks might lead him to the final Mother Box (or 'mama', as he likes to call them). But he starts with—you guessed it—our old friend the janitor, who is obviously the most likely to know its whereabouts. Maybe he tidied it away in a cupboard by mistake.
All of this is a waste of time, however, as Steppenwolf's love of breaking necks overcomes any effective interrogation plans he had in place. Eventually he just flies off, as if the entire kidnap plot had been nothing but an excuse for another set piece. Call us cynics if you will.
4| Lois is the new Martha
Oh no! Superman is killing everyone! But we can always rely on Lois's incredible ability to teleport in exactly when needed (as first demonstrated in the rubble of Metropolis in Man of Steel).
Her name isn't Martha, but she spent a lot of time with one of the Marthas, so we guess that qualifies her to be the latest convenient superhero bust-up diffusing device.
5| Lois Lane's olfactory preferences
Don't get us wrong—Lois Lane was totally into Clark before he was killed by a giant CG turd in Batman v Superman. But that added whiff of grave dirt and decay is really doing it for her.
"Didn't I smell good before?" asks Superman when she tells him he smells good. Lois refuses to incriminate herself.
6| Batman won't phone Diana
Superman's six feet under and a vicious alien race is attacking the world. What's a Bat to do? Certainly not phone Wonder Woman apparently, because even though he's, like, in his 40s, sexual tension to Bruce Wayne is refusing to ring a demi-goddess in the face of a global crisis.
The result is Bats wasting time trying to work out what the Mother Box symbols are when Diana could have just told him.
7| Wonder Woman is a "believer"
Wonder Woman has been hiding her identity for a century because she's really sad her boyfriend of three days, Steve Trevor, exploded. But she's here now, and she wants people to know it.
When the nameless terrorist guy asks, "Who are you?" she has the perfect answer for him. "I'm a believer." A believer in what Diana? The Greek gods? Free healthcare for all? Are you a Monkees fan
Or did you mean 'Belieber'? Because without context, that sentence would actually make more sense.
8| What does Superman like about Earth, anyway?
An early bit of footage in which we're supposed to see the lighter side to murderous asshole Superman, sees a youngster asking Supes about his 'S' symbol of hope, and then posing the question: "What do you like most about Earth?"
Yeah, what DO you like most about Earth, Supes? You never actually answered that one.
9| Idiot terrorists
The film begins with an introduction to all our heroes. Batman is dancing around on Gotham rooftops. Cyborg is lurking in his dad's apartment and refusing to go out. And Wonder Woman is thwarting the stupid plots of vaguely defined terrorists.
The aforementioned nameless terrorist wants to bring about a "new dark age", which apparently involves blowing up several buildings and—judging by the 20-second timer on the bomb—his whole group along with it. What's the point of this? The movie doesn't know, and hopes we don't care.
10| "No! This cannot be!"
For a comic book villain, Steppenwolf gets a lot of screen time. Unfortunately, this is not used to develop his character and motivations but to allow him to spout incomprehensible nonsense and awful clichés.
Our favorite: "No! This cannot be!"—A sentence so hackneyed that it has its own TV Tropes page.
11| Superman gets his priorities all wrong
Superman is back, hooray! Pretty damn useful since the planet is under attack from an ancient force who wants destroy the world and make all humanity kneel before him. Only Superman's X-ray ears hear the sound of troubled civilians so off he buggers to help them out, leaving his League team-mates in the lurch and thereby endangering the whole of humanity.
The irony being this is clearly a move to hammer home the message that, yes, DC did listen to all the people who complained that BvS had ruined Superman by making him a selfish, callous bastard—now he's nice again. Nice, but irresponsible and terrible at prioritization.
12| Superman explains what it's like being dead
Superman has risen again via some weird science, so of course Lois would ask the question that humanity has strived to answer throughout history. What is it like being dead?
"Itchy," says Superman.
So no discussion of if there's a God or what actually happens when you die then? Profound.
13| Mother Box
"Mother Box" sounds rude. And the fact that the Parademons issue down the "Boom Tube" to swarm the "Mother Box" doesn't help.
From: Digital Spy
This story originally appeared on Esquire.co.uk.
* Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.