Arts & Entertainment

Do We Really Need Six Thai Cave Rescue Movies?

And who will play Sexy Elon Musk?
IMAGE Getty
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For two weeks this month, the entire world was glued to the news as 12 boys and their soccer coach were trapped in a dark cave. During the rescue, we ignored our crumbling democracy and the many other atrocities going on around the world, as Thai Navy Seals worked to save these poor boys, who looked relatively happy and relaxed underground waiting to be rescued.

If that wasn't a story in itself, international hero Elon Musk hopped into his tiny homemade submarine and embarked on a mission to save the day. Musk didn't make it there in time, because they were all safely rescued before his very small submarine could be put to use. But it's the thought that counts, right?

Naturally, Hollywood salivates over this kind of "Will they make it?" story. And since one movie wasn't enough, there are already six (6!) films about these harrowing events in development less than two weeks after it all finished.

Six movies gives Hollywood six chances to cash in on its unquenchable thirst for human suffering by making a horrible Michael Bay film where Mark Wahlberg plays Sexy Elon Musk.

As Variety reports:

Now You See Me 2 director Jon M. Chu and Ivanhoe Pictures last week said they were teaming up on a movie about the rescue operation. Their announcement came a day after Pure Flix Entertainment announced that it, too, was seeking the movie rights to the mission. Pure Flix, behind such faith-based films as the “God’s Not Dead” movies, and “Do You Believe?”, said its project would focus on the inspirational aspects of the story.

The good news is Chu, who's already getting heaps of praise for Crazy Rich Asians, has the right idea in mind.

So there's one potentially good movie, but what about the other five? Varietypoints out that one of these is from faith-based producer Pure Flix. Is this going to be a film where the dozens of heroes working around the clock—including one man who died while "installing oxygen tanks in the flooded cave complex"—will be replaced with the real hero: god?

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Another one of these films comes from Thai-Irish producer-director Tom Waller, who is developing a script that would focus on the "Thai elements and the unsung heroes."

“The kids had no idea that the world’s eyes were watching,” Waller told Variety. “They even assumed they would have to ride their bikes home when they got out of the cave.”

But Variety notes, "Another angle could be the bizarre intervention of Tesla mogul Elon Musk, who tried to get involved with a mini-submarine."

Yes, definitely make this about Musk—the man who called one of the British rescue divers a pedophile, then was forced to apologize for being a total asshole.

What we're really looking forward to is three years from now, when all six of these movies get a gritty reboot.

This story originally appeared on Esquire.com.

* Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.

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Matt Miller
Matt Miller is the Associate Culture Editor for Esquire.com
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