Cars & Tech

The 5 Most Mortifying Videogame Sex Scenes Of All Time

Up, down, up, down, quit
IMAGE Ride To Hell
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Porn might not be the greatest form of sex education, but it could be a whole lot worse: men could be learning their moves from videogames. 

Ambitious, dirty-minded developers have tried and failed to to make polygons sexy for decades, and every single time it's ended in cringeworthy disaster. 

Here are five of the very worst. 

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2005) 

This infamous sex scene sparked global outrage (and a government–level investigation by Hillary Clinton) when it was unearthed from San Andreas’ source code in 2005. 

The aim of the so-called ‘mini-game,’ nicknamed 'Black Coffee' by developers, is to tap away at your controller while CJ shouts hostile, unhelpful compliments at his date (“Come on girl! You should get paid for this! Go on!”) until her ‘EXCITEMENT’ bar is full. We can’t imagine why Rockstar left it out of the final game. 

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Ride to Hell: Retribution (2013) 

Ride To Hell: Retribution has eight full-on sex scenes, all of which are soundtracked by the exact same seventies porn groove. 

You play Jake Conway, a mullet-rocking Vietnam vet with a penchant for dog-tags, giant choppers, and senseless murder, as he romps his way through one of the worst video games ever made. 

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Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy (2005)  

A bit like that famous Team America sex scene, if it were soul-crushingly sad and soundtracked by a Nickelback cover band. 

Fahrenheit: Indigo Prophecy is an “interactive movie”-turned-button mashing porno with no less than four X-ratded interludes, three of which were mercifully removed from the North American release. Your job is to seduce your ex-girlfriend with a maudlin guitar solo and then slowly move around on top of her like a chicken cutlet in bathwater. 

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Leisure Suit Larry (2004) 

Starting life as a creepy soft-porn text adventure in the early '80s, sex-fuelled college caper Leisure Suit Larry built up enough infamy to earn an American Pie-inspired 2004 reboot, Magna Cum Laude

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Each scene is uniquely horrifying (not least because the developers inexplicably gave Larry gigantism) and every single joke is desperately, tediously offensive. Have a watch above! We don't know why he's dressed as a tree!

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Fallout: New Vegas (2010) 

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New Vegas’ storyline sees you hunting down a mobster who shot and left you for dead in a desert. Finally, after many trials and tribulations and days of gameplay, you find your enemy and exact your revenge by… having sex with him? 

The screen turns to black as you get to business, and the mobster (voiced by Matthew Perry) showers you in compliments like, “You’re platinum, pussycat! You know how to swing!” and “Nice charlies! Give them a shake for the Ben-nan, will ya? Hello!”. 

Just as you’re wondering why you’ve dedicated so many hours of your life to this cruel game, an option flashes up on the screen: “Kill Benny in his sleep.” In fairness, this one wasn’t so bad after all.

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This story originally appeared on Esquire.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.

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