Lifestyle

13 Online Tests That Are Actually Worth Doing

Discover how smart you are, what career you should have, and who you want to have sex with—without leaving your armchair.
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Self-discovery can be found in a lot of places: religion, meditation, a solo trek through the Andes.

Luckily, it can also be found on the internet. There are almost as many quizzes, tests, and questionnaires online devoted to deciphering the Complex Wonder that is You online as there are kitten gifs and ads for Horny Wives In Your Area, meaning understanding yourself is only a few clicks—and occasionally a modest subscription fee—away.

But which are worthwhile, and which are a waste of time? As ever, Esquire is on hand to sort the scams from the savants, paving the way for true self-enlightenment. Jump in.

What Job Rishi Sunak Suggests You Should Do Now Your Industry Has Been Destroyed

Remember all that palaver back in the summer of 2020, when the UK government decided what people in the arts and hospitality needed to bounce back from losing their gigs during the pandemic wasn't a safety net for freelancers, but a multiple choice quiz? Well, it's still up. If you missed the chance to find out what alternative career you could have been launching yourself into, this is it.

All you do is read a statement—"I am comfortable telling people what they need to do" etc—and pick one of five options from 'strongly agree' to 'strongly disagree'. Then the world's your oyster, and by 'your oyster' we mean 'a list of extremely specific jobs which take literally years to retrain for.' Horse groom! Football referee! Cake decorator! Microbrewery owner! You can do anything!

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Side note: if you give it the full Keith from The Office and go 'don't know' every time, you end up with the government portal equivalent of a shrug, so don't bother.

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How Good Your Emotional Intelligence Is

This one's based on the work of psychologist Daniel Goleman, whose 1995 book Emotional Intelligence was a bestseller and brought the term into the mainstream. The idea that how well you empathize with and understand other people, and how well you understand and express your own emotions, is at least as important as your raw brain power was a particularly prescient one. This test sets out hypothetical situations and gives you four ways of reacting to it, and based on your answers gives you a score out of 200. Don't worry if it's a little below par: one of Goleman's conclusions was that emotional intelligence is a skill that can be taught and learned, so just get studying.

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What Your Politics Really Are

"A man who is not a liberal at 16 has no heart. A man who is not a conservative at 60 has no head."

So said Benjamin Disraeli / Winston Churchill / your grumpy Granddad (no one can quite decide who). The point is, for most people, political convictions are something that change over time.

By testing how much you agree with various statements—some relatively straightforward (‘Possessing marijuana for personal use should not be a criminal offense’), some a little more challenging (‘People with serious inheritable disabilities should not be allowed to reproduce’)—the Political Compass plots where you on a scale of Stalin to Gandhi. Check back every few years to see if your own inevitable lurch to the right is on course.

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What Personality Type You Are

The Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator is probably the most famous—and strongly contested—personality test in the world. It uses four indexes—Introverted or Extrovered (I/E), Intuitive or Sensing (N/S), Thinking or Feeling (T/F), and Perceiving or Judging (P/J)—to fit you into one of sixteen possible personalities. This well-designed version of the test is the best online. Esquire is a ‘Protagonist’, apparently. Could be worse.

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How You'd Do As A Suspect In A Police Procedural Drama

You know the Rorschach test: those inscrutable inkblots are one of the many handy narrative tools that gets rolled out in detective shows when a writer wants a shortcut into the criminal's warped mindset. Its reliability as a means of psychoanalysis are very hotly disputed these days, but working out whether you'd get sussed out by some egghead who'd keep winking at a two-way mirror is at least mildly diverting.

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How Smart You Are

Esquire spent a migraine-inducing couple of hours trying out the plethora of free online tests that claim to tell you your IQ, and weren't terribly convinced. Then we grudgingly handed over $4.99 (£3.33) to try the official test used by the International High IQ Society—who sound about as much fun as the Real Ale Society, but hey—and realized this was legit. You have 30 minutes to answer 40 questions, which involves identifying the correct missing pattern in a sequence. At the end, you not only get your score but a series of helpful charts explaining where you come on the line between 'mentally deficient' and 'gifted'. And no, we're not sharing.

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Who You Find Attractive

This admittedly pointless test is nevertheless fun as it involves everyone’s favorite pastime: looking at strangers and deciding whether they’re hot or not. The result purports to tell you which race, age, and physical attributes you find most attractive, as if you don’t know that already.

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Whether You Actually Know The UK Like You Think You Do

How many members does the Northern Ireland Assembly have? What was inscribed in the first coins to be minted in Britain during the Iron Age? Between 1680 and 1720 many refugees called Huguenots came to England, but which country did they come from? The answers to absolutely rock-solid questions like this are the kind of knowledge you need to pass the official British citizenship test, known officially as the 'Life in the UK test'. Honestly, anyone who manages to pass it must know more about the UK than most people who were born and raised here. It's rock solid.

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How Much Of A Psychopath You Really Are

If you've read Jon Ronson's The Psychopath Test, you'll know that psychopaths aren't the rare birds you imagine they are. They're not the hacking and slashing Patrick Bateman types you're thinking of—they walk among us. In fact, they're everywhere. You might be one. Of course, the whole point of the book is that Robert D Hare's standardized 20-part psychopath test is a limited and reductive way of diagnosing a serious mental illness. But does it make for a good way of wiling away a slow Friday afternoon? You betcha.

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How Emotionally Intelligent You Are

Can you tell a grimace from a grin? Reading facial expressions is, according to this test, an accurate measure of whether you’re emotionally in tune with others or utterly oblivious to anyone’s feelings but your own. Surprisingly difficult. Or maybe that’s just us.

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What Your Sexuality Is

In 1948, sexologist Alfred Kinsey (later depicted by a decidedly non-Taken like Liam Neeson in 2004 film Kinsey) devised a simple test to see where you fall on the spectrum between hetero and homosexuality, claiming: "Males do not represent two discrete populations, heterosexual and homosexual. The world is not to be divided into sheep and goats... The living world is a continuum in each and every one of its aspects." See where you land on this rich tapestry.

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Exactly How Chaotic Good You Really Are

A few years ago, that matrix with lawful, neutral, and chaotic from left to right and good, neutral, and evil from top to bottom started going around, most often with characters from The Office or other meme stars jammed into its nine squares. But obviously, you're not that bothered about Pam being lawful good. You know that. What you want to know is which bit you fit into. Fortunately, this quiz digs into the matrix's roots in Dungeons and Dragons to give you a proper fix.

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What You Should Do With Your Life

Like IQ tests, there is no shortage of online quizzes designed to tell you what career you’d be best suited to. Sokanu is one of the best, using a sophisticated algorithm and encompassing a broad range of possible outcomes. Looks nice, too. Most of the features require signing up and paying, but you can get some suggestions based on your work-based preferences for free. See ours above, and note neither 'journalist' nor 'online quiz researcher' gets a look in.

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FromEsquire UK

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