The Best Bedroom Advice? Make Love Like You're Ugly.
I was asked to give a few bedroom tips because, as a bisexual woman, I’m supposed to be in the best position to give advice to men (you do the math), but in my opinion, my man Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock has already given the best advice there is to give. Let’s get back to that later, but in the meantime, here are a few things I want to get off my chest, and which I hope will be useful to you, if not to your lady.
MEN AND WOMEN ARE DIFFERENT.
I mean, obviously. But too many guys forget this in the heat of the moment, but that difference is key. If the sexual experience were mountains, the male pattern of arousal would look like Mt. Fuji; for women, it’s like Mt. Roraima. Go ahead, look it up—spend a few seconds and a modicum of effort googling geographical features, just like you should spend some time on foreplay and buildup.
THE BIRD OR THE HAND.
Something something in the bush. Sorry, I tried to come up with a pun, but whatever. The point is—and I hate to break this to you boys—your penis isn’t the end-all, be-all when it comes to sex with women. It’s not the only thing, and frankly, it isn’t even always the best thing—a well-placed mouth, a soft tongue, an agile finger…oh, wow. I once had the misfortune of sitting next to a table of people studying either Leviticus or Pacquiao, and their leader wondered out loud how it was even possible to have non-PIV sex. To which my friend Stacey said, “Damn, I’m so sorry for his wife.”
I don’t know how true that is, but the authors (who are, it seems, a real-life couple) of Love Her Right: The Married Man’s Guide to Lesbian Secrets for Great Sex say that the term “screwing” is a reference to the practice of moving one’s hips in a figure-eight motion, instead of in straightforward thrusts during lovemaking. The book says it’s an ancient Taoist technique; I say it’s just good sense.
DON’T BE SO OBVIOUS.
I don’t know if it’s something you learned or if it’s the natural male instinct to go for the most obvious body parts, but the smart money says that men will go for the gold every damn time. And by “gold,” I mean the little love button and the twins. That’s fine—women have come to expect it. You can use this conditioning to your advantage, though: Pay a little attention to the overlooked parts of her body, and you’ll be met with a mixture of gratitude and surprise. Hello, sideboob! How are you doing over there, little area under the belly button. Nice to make your acquaintance.
WHAT’S ON THE (MUSIC) BED?
We all grew up watching those cinematic sex scenes with a background track: “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel in Say Anything, “Unchained Melody” in Ghost, The Pixies’ “Hey,” in Zach and Miri Make a Porno (though technically not during the sex scene), and of course, Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” in everything else, but most memorably in Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. All well and good, but the point is that this has taught us to think of a lovemaking session in terms of songs, when one should ideally think of it as a dance party that you DJ. You should know when to slow it down, when to bring the energy up, when to make the room sing, when to just lay back and take off your headphones and just enjoy the party for a bit. There will also be a lot of sweat, and sometimes there will be drugs involved. Oh, and there is nothing sadder than a DJ who has to fumble around in the dark to find the proper holes. Are we still talking about sex? I forget.
MAKE LOVE LIKE YOU’RE UGLY.
I believe the line, uttered by Alec Baldwin’s master-of-the-universe character in 30 Rock to his onscreen lover, was, “You made love like an ugly girl: so present, so grateful.” It was hilarious when he said it, but like all truly funny things, it’s deeply wise and true. There’s few things less sexy than a person who’s self-absorbed. Good sex is a conversation between two bodies, and you need to be the kind of conversationalist who is truly interested in the other person, and who responds to the ebb and flow of events. The best thing about good sex is the way it can obliterate your borders, and make you forget your ego for one brilliant, glorious moment; you need to be curious and willing, enthusiastic and joyful, present and grateful.
This article originally appeared in the April 2016 issue of Esquire Philippines. Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.