Lifestyle

Don't Masturbate at Work. Please.

Seriously.
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It all started back in the dark and lonely month of January with an article called "We tried masturbating at work for a week and this is what happened" (you can probably guess what happened), in which two pioneering writers tried to convince the nation them thrashing one out at work was an experiment worth reading about.

The excuse for this click-hungry cry of lunacy? The findings of a totally legit survey by a 'masturbation booth popup' (kid you not). At the time we put it down to just another low in the ever-growing canon of pointless confessional journalism, and moved on.

But now it's May and, apparently, 'National Masturbation Month', meaning the issue has been raised again. More harried psychologists and fap zealots have begun to crawl out from under the cubicle, singing the praises of w**king in the workplace. So let's tackle this head on, shall we?

No. You shouldn't be masturbating at work.

In the latest piece of propaganda from the Pro Work-Wank Camp, The Independent have quoted Mark Sergeant, psychology lecturer at Nottingham Trent University, saying that a 'masturbation break' would be "very effective" at work and a great way to relieve tension and stress."

Oh for f**k's sake, Mark. You're meant to be honing the minds of our anxiety-ridden youth, not encouraging people to whack one out on the company dime.

Far from being some moth-eaten pleasure rogue, Mark is not alone in opining the merits of locking yourself in a much-used cubicle the same color as dirty custard and trying not to let the toilet brush next to you ruin the moment.

Getting in there first with this heresy was the suspiciously named Dr Cliff Arnal who, in the Metro article that inspired the same paper's aforementioned 'investigative journalism', suggested that three minutes with your hands in your pants at work would result in "more focus, less aggression, higher productivity and more smiling."

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More smiling, Cliff? (if that is your real name...). Whoever smiled after a wank? This isn't a pathway to a higher plateau of internal fulfillment, Cliff. It's knocking one out.

But let's ignore the brittle science for a moment. Aside from the fact a halogen-lit room full of people tapping away at keyboards and eating pasta salad at their desks is among the least arousing environments on earth, encouraging this kind of behavior at work is just plain inconsiderate.

We've all got enough on our plates without having to worry about gate crashing an IT guy's pleasure party whenever we step into the breach of the men's room—the work place is enough of a mine field as it is. Like your hangover, your personal politics and your mackerel in tupperware, masturbation is something that no one else in your office wants to have to consider, thanks very much.

This story originally appeared on Esquire.co.uk.

* Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.

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Finlay Renwick
Finlay Renwick is the Digital Editorial Assistant at Esquire.co.uk
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