20 Bits of Advice Every Man Needs to Hear

Regarding sex, success, and the perfect bacon sandwich

"If you want to get on in life, get off your arse, because it ain't going to come to you. And if it does come to you and you're not off your arse, then you ain't going to keep it very long."

Ray Winstone

"You've got to have something to retire to. Something you always wanted to do but your job prevented it."

Ozzy Osbourne

"If you don't go, you'll never know. I tell that to my kids."

Robert De Niro

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do, so go explore, dream, discover."

Mark Twain

"The perfect bacon sandwich is on white bread, very soft and very thick. Sourdough with a good crust. The bacon is half way to being crispy – and there's lots of it – and enough brown sauce to trickle down your arm. You've not really enjoyed a bacon sandwich unless 10 minutes later you're still licking your wrists."


Howard Jacobson

"Clear communication. Respect. A lot of laughter. And a lot of orgasms. That's what makes a marriage work."

Dr Dre

"Never tell your wife she's lousy in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion."

Rodney Dangerfield

"That's the way to live – around people who care. It may be a tough ride, but something is going to come out of it."

Al Pacino

"Life is not all high emotion. Some of the most interesting things are when it's not highly emotional: little details of relationships and body language."

David Attenborough

"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing."

Benjamin Franklin


"It's tremendously important how you get on with the other sex. Your life record on that is incredibly important. You never really think about any of your other achievements."

Martin Amis

"You can sulk and be depressed about getting older, but what's worse than another birthday? Not having one."

Ron Jeremy

"If you lose a couple of inches off your stomach, your business down there will look a lot longer."

Jack Lalanne

"Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man--there's your diamond in the rough."

Larry David

"Anything worth doing, is worth overdoing."

Mick Jagger


This story originally appeared on

* Minor edits have been made by the editors.

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