Everything You Need to Remember Before the Game of Thrones Season 7 Finale
Blink and you might have missed it. Yep, that was six-sevenths of an entire season of Game of Thrones flying by in a condensed seven episodes, a blur of questionable travel times, dead dragons, eunuch sex, and incestuous flirting. The writers crammed a lot of important plot points around the bloody battles, and if you weren't careful, it was pretty easy to miss some stuff. So to prepare you for the Season Seven Finale, here's a guide to everything you need to remember before the ultimate showdown between team Cersei and team Daenerys/Jon.
There's dragonglass in them hills!
If you'll recall (it was just last month actually), this whole thing started with local neckbeard Samwell Tarly literally cleaning shit and doing some light reading in the Citadel library. There (in the very Harry Potter restricted section) he finds the key to killing the White Walkers: Dragonglass. He sends a note to Jon Snow via the stunningly reliable Westeros Raven Service that they need to get a-minin' down in Dragonstone. This sends Jon on a very quick trip down South for the much anticipated meeting with Daenerys Targaryen, who has just landed on her home turf.
The meeting and knee bending.
In order to get his beloved dragonglass, Jon Snow heads south to finally meet Daenerys. It's an awkward meeting, as these things go. She wants him to bend the knee. He refuses, but ultimately they agree to work together to fight Cersei, and Daenerys gives Jon permission to mine the dragonglass.
Yeah, that happened.
The Prince/Princess That Was Promised.
The whole summary of this prophecy can be found here. Anyway, we learn in Season Six that the Prince That Was Promised could also be the Princess That Was Promised, meaning either Jon Snow or Daenerys Targaryen might be Azor Ahai.
About Jon's parents.
Yeah, so only Bran knows that Jon's parents are, and that little shit is keeping the info to himself. Otherwise, Gilly accidentally comes across information in a book that Prince Rhaegar Targaryen annulled his marriage to Elia Martell and re-married Lyanna Stark before giving birth to Jon, who was then given to Ned Stark as a bastard to raise on his own. This means that Dany is his aunt. Literally every fan knows this information, but no one on the show does.
The entire reason you were watching was for these battles!
There were four main battles this season, and they are as follows:
1. The battle at sea in which goth pirate / Danish punk singer Euron Greyjoy raids the Daenerys-controlled Ironfleet, kidnapping Ellaria Sand and Yara Greyjoy on Cersei's behalf. Theon flees.
2. The Unsullied soldiers take Casterly Rock, only to find that the Lannisters had abandoned it to take Highgarden, where Jaime Lannister kills Olenna Tyrell and learns she killed Joffrey.
3. Seeking revenge, Daenerys mounts up on Drogon and brings the Dothraki to attack the Lannisters as they're bring all their loot back home. Dany seriously messes them up and Jaime nearly dies—but he doesn't, so it's chill.
4. Jon Snow and his band of fools fight off a horde of White Walkers north of The Wall and are saved by Daenerys.
Which brings us to...
The shittiest plan in Westeros history.
Jon, now teamed up with Dany, gets the brilliant plan to go north to kidnap a wight from the White Walker army to show Cersei, because she's such a reasonable person and all. So Jon goes north with Davos and Gendry and picks up The Hound, Tormund, and Thoros and Beric of the Brotherhood Without Banners to infiltrate the Army of the Dead. But they immediately fuck it up, as you'd imagine. They're surrounded—but they send an extremely fast raven to Daenerys, who shows up to save their ass. Thoros and some extras die in the process.
Guess who's back, back, back, back again.
Gendry's back. And he's on Jon Snow's side.
Bran is kind of a dick now.
He reunited with Arya and Sansa at Winterfell, but unfortunately he's going through that awkward teenage Three-Eyed Raven phase, which means he can see the future, present, and past—but is also an asshole to everyone.
The sisters are in a bit of a tiff.
In Winterfell, Littlefinger has planted a letter and a knife between the reunited Stark sisters. The knife is the Valyrian one that was used in the attempt to assassinate Bran. The letter is the one Sansa wrote while being held hostage by Cersei in Season One. Even though it was a very reasonable circumstance, Arya is pissed at Sansa, whom she threatened in Episode Six, and shit is about to go down.
Wonderful Westeros teleportation.
Lazy writing means these people travel instantaneously around Westeros.
A tale of two brothers.
Tyrion and Jaime reunite to broker a meeting between Cersei and Daenerys/Jon. It is nice. They reminisce about their father, whom Tyrion murdered.
Let's totally believe Cersei on this one.
She tells Jaime that she's pregnant, but she's likely lying to get him on her side. Also, she's planning on betraying Daenerys at their meeting. Also, also, she makes the unfortunate decision to repay her debts to the bank, which could really bite her in the ass.
People For the Ethical Treatment of Dragons.
Oh yeah, a dragon fuckin' died! As a result of Jon's shitty plan, the Night King hucks an ice spear at Viseron during their battle north of The Wall. If that wasn't bad enough, the Night King then turns the dead dragon into a zombie ice dragon. This is bad news for Team Human.
Because this show needs more incest.
Jon and Dany are totally gonna do it. They've been flirting this whole time, and it's definitely happening.
RIP these lovely folks:
Everyone in House Frey.
Nymeria Sand, Obara Sand, Tyene Sand.
Randyll and Rickon (Dickon!) Tarly.
Thoros of Myr.
Benjen Stark (probably).
Viserion the dragon.
Where we're at now.
This story originally appeared on Esquire.com.
* Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.