13 Movie Heroes Who Are Terrible At Their Day Jobs
There are many qualities we demand in our heroes. Bravery, wisdom, nobility, crack marksmanship, even a level of recklessness if it results in some really cool explosions.
One virtue that often falls to the wayside is professionalism, as these awful cinematic employees will demonstrate.
1| Owen Grady (Jurassic World)
Day job: Dinosaur wrangler
Jurassic World is all Owen's fault. Just as well he can talk to the Raptors, since the release of the Indominus Rex is totally on his head.
When the genetically modified behemoth disappears from view in her enclosure, you would think there would be some pretty tight protocols to follow. But no, Owen can't be arsed to wait for them to check where the Rex is really at properly, and goes on in himself—and then exits via the Dinosaur-sized door, not the man-sized one.
Slow clap for Owen.
To be fair to him, though, the whole park is an accident waiting to happen.We'retty sure the llamas at London Zoo have higher levels of security than old Indominus—two doors, surely, to prevent this very thing occurring.
2| Nick Fury (MCU)
Day job: Director of espionage agency
We are given to believe that Nick Fury is the world's greatest super spy, a man who is always several steps ahead of his enemies. He must have been having an off day when he allowed SHIELD to be completely infiltrated by thousands of Hydra agents, then.
And don't even get us started on the evil Nazi computer in the basement…
3| Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter)
Day job: Headteacher
As far as we understand it, teachers have two primary jobs: to educate their students and to offer them a safe and stable environment. Woe unto the kids of Hogwarts, who find themselves enrolled in Albus Dumbledore's programme for weaponizing children against evil wizards while ensuring that they are ignored, alienated and kept in the dark at all times.
After all this is the man who thinks that hosting the Triwizard Tournament—a healthy competition know for killing its youthful contestants—is anything but a terrible idea.
4| Harley Quinn (Suicide Squad)
Day job: Psychiatrist
It takes years and years to train to be a psychiatrist, and we doubt that the gig at Arkham Asylum—an institute for criminally insane clowns and penguin enthusiasts—was Harleen Quinzel's first. So that's quite a lot of investment only to fall in love with your definitely psychopathic patient, the Joker, and transform into a scantily-clad serial killer.
The question is: did Harley Quinn fail the system, or did the system fail her?
5| Rosalie Mullins (School of Rock)
Day Job: School principal
Jack Black's Dewey Finn may be a bad teacher, but in his defence, he is not trained as a teacher—he is, in fact, an unemployed band dude, therefore cannot be judged. Joan Cusack's Mullins, on the other hand, is the headteacher—a job you do not walk into without education, training and experience.
Therefore calling up a random supply teacher she doesn't know and letting him have control of a class of children with nary an ID check is just a terrible failure of duty of care. Re-written as a harrowing Channel 4 drama and things could have gone a very different way altogether.
6| Clark Kent (Batman v Superman)
Day job: Reporter
As journalists, we are amused constantly by the portrayal of our hallowed profession in film and television. Try and take a leaf out of Superman's book and refuse to fulfil any of your assignments because you're obsessed with a topic strictly forbidden by your editor and see how far that gets you.
Although, judging by his estimated salary, Clark has some serious dirt on Daily Planet editor-in-chief Perry White, which would explain everything. Now there's an idea…
7| Johnny Utah (Point Break)
Day job: Undercover FBI agent
The first rule of going undercover is not to enter into a serious bromance with your target, even if he is Patrick Swayze.
Having already broken that commandment, it was probably easy enough to bed Swayze's ex (a pitiful substitute for the real object of Keanu Reeves character's affections), blow his cover, let his target escape, and eventually allow him to surf to his death on a giant wave. Don't bother coming back to work on Monday.
8| Boba Fett (Star Wars)
Day job: Bounty hunter
Boba Fett is, to our minds, one of the most overrated figures in all of cinema. Half of all non-movie Star Wars storytelling seems to be dedicated to justifying his unfairly inflated reputation, but let's get back to basics. In The Empire Strikes Back, Darth Vader does all the heavy lifting, leaving Fett as nothing but a courier of pre-frozen prisoners, and not even a glorified one.
Return of the Jedi gives him a chance to get in on the action, and he's knocked over by a man who can't see, and plummets to his death. Utter rubbish.
9| Father Lankester Merrin (The Exorcist)
Day job: Exorcist
And not just exorcist, but the best exorcist the Vatican has. We know this because he recognises a statue of demon Pazuzu who he had previously defeated. Not defeated all that well, mind, since he's back. When poor old Regan starts spewing pea soup and expletives, good-at-his-job Father Karras decides to perform an exorcism. But noooo, Merrin's got to be in charge. When demon-Regan messes with Karras's head, he leaves the old master Merrin to it—and he promptly has a heart attack meaning Karras has to sort out the mess, sacrificing himself to do so. You had one job, Merrin.
10| Enchantress (Suicide Squad)
Day job: Archaeologist
Now, we're no archaeologists, but we've picked up a few tips over the years from Indy re: not wantonly destroying the artefacts.
Our first encounter with Cara Delevingne's June Moone shows her stumbling into an ancient temple, spotting a statuette on the altar, carefully picking it up… and snapping it in half.
If you ask us, she deserved to be possessed by that ancient witch goddess thing.
11| Charles Xavier (X-Men)
Day job: Headteacher
It doesn't take magic to run a school really, really badly. When wealthy parents pack their kids off to the ivy-covered prep school, they presumably have to sign a waiver accepting that their offspring will probably be kidnapped, murdered or permanently scarred by flying shrapnel when Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters inevitably blows up again within the first term.
As for Charles's other job—fostering understanding between humans and mutants—why do we think it is that every alternate timeline ends with all the mutants dead?
12| RoboCop (RoboCop)
Day job: RoboCop
The theory behind RoboCop is sound—a ruthless and unstoppable policing machine making the streets of Detroit safe again. Unfortunately, his programmers had other plans, as he's much more interested in lobbing criminals into convenience store freezers or shooting them in the genitals than actually arresting anyone.
13| Yoda (Star Wars)
Day job: Grand Master of the Jedi Order
The frustrating thing about Yoda—that byword for puppety wisdom—throughout the Star Wars prequels is that we repeatedly see him almost but not quite averting disaster, only to be foiled because those disasters had already happened by the time of the original trilogy.
He doesn't want to train Anakin, but then he stands by and watches his fall to the dark side. He suspects there is something behind the weird goings on in the Senate and beyond, and does bugger all about it. He nearly defeats Palpatine, then runs away.
To be honest, the 'wise master' isn't much better in Episodes V and VI, where he gets his jollies by hiding out in a swamp and pretending to be mad and stupid. When faced with the awful prospect of actually being useful, he lies down and dies for no apparent reason. No wonder the Jedi were annihilated.
This story originally appeared on Digital Spy.
* Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.