Movies & TV

Esquire's Annual Alternative Oscars

The awards that you actually care about
IMAGE Esquire UK
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We laughed, we cried, we cried again. And somehow we also found time to watch a bunch of movies. Hollywood, ahead of the culture as always, took bold stands against slavery and the bombing of sporting events and for interracial marriage and successful emergency landings while proving the trolls wrong once and for all: Women, we now know, are just as capable of making mediocre reboots as men. There were disaster epics and epic disasters, Angry Birds and Bad Moms, superheroes throwing city-destroying tantrums and white people dancing in the streets. Here we honor the best—and the most—from the year in cinema, such as it was.


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Best Supporting Garment

Harley Quinn's hot pants, Suicide Squad

Best Question, Period

"Why have you let me film this?" Filmmaker Josh Kriegman, Weiner

Best Movie That Sounds Like It's About Surfing But Isn't

The Wave


Best Performance by Anna Wintour's Hair

Julia Roberts, Mother's Day

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Worst Movie That Sounds Like It's About Surfing and Is

Point Break


The Cecil B. DeMille Award for Epic Disaster of the Year

Ben-Hur

Professions That Are More Exciting in the Movies Than in Real Life

Accountant, The Accountant

Art-history professor, Inferno


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Most Effective Binge Drinking PSA

The Shallows

Runner-up: The Girl on the Train

Title That Sounds Most Like a Hollywood Pitch Meeting

Kevin Hart: What Now?


Best-Case Scenario for a Man Snatching a Child from Her Bed

The BFG

Most Determined Lost Child

Dev Patel, Lion

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Runner-up: Dory, Finding Dory


Wicked-Best Boston Accent

Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea


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Best Makeshift Watercraft

The Airbus A320, Sully

Runner-up: Daniel Radcliffe, Swiss Army Man

Best Animated Rock

The alien spaceship, Arrival

Runner-up: Dwayne Johnson, Moana


A Sequel 2 Far

Alice Through the Looking Glass

Independence Day: Resurgence

Ice Age: Collision Course

Zoolander 2

The PC Merit Badge for Racial Sensitivity

Anyone who saw The Birth of a Nation at Sundance

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The PC Merit Badge for Feminist Solidarity

Anyone who boycotted The Birth of a Nation in theaters

Pussy Even Donald Trump Wouldn't Grab

Kevin Spacey, Nine Lives


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The Year in Unexpectedly Prescient Film Titles

London Has Fallen

Captain America: Civil War

Denial

Why Him?

Hail, Caesar!


In Memoriam

Brangelina

Hiddleswift

Nice Johnny Depp

Jacob Tremblay's childhood

Jared Leto's sanity

Lindsay Lohan's American accent

The Original Screenplay

Abe Vigoda (take two)

Franchise This!

Six of the following are currently being made into feature films. The others—at this writing, anyway—are not. If you can tell which is which, you just might have what it takes to run a Hollywood studio!

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  1. Emoji
  2. Sea-monkeys
  3. Furby
  4. Peeps
  5. Fruit Ninja
  6. GIFs
  7. Lincoln Logs
  8. Play-Doh
  9. The Oregon Trail
  10. Tetris
  11. Words With Friends
  12. Pez

This story originally appeared on Esquire.co.uk.

* Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.

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