9 TV Sex Scenes That Would Never Work in Real Life
Television is filled with tons of aspirational porn—including impossibly enormous apartments on a barista budget, a closet full of designer clothes when you're a low-level assistant, and every actor with the same svelte body frame. But perhaps the most egregious of these unattainable TV fantasies are the many, many sex scenes that are not only impractical, but often downright impossible. Here are my favorites.
1| Samantha Jones having sex on a chair ON A BED on Sex and the City
I mean, it's pretty hard to pick the most bonkers Sam Jones sex scene, but the time she had sex in a chair on a bed is just straight-up absurd. There's just no way a chair would stay upright here. It's a health hazard!
2| Sssnake sssex from American Horror Story: Coven
The headmistress witch Cordelia Foxx, played by Sarah Paulson, has sex with her man surrounded by snakes in a fertility ritual. I guess this one isn't impossible so much as, well, "hell no."
To make it an even more insane, Paulson told the L.A. Times that during the filming, she accidentally went to first base with an albino snake named Butter! "He was wrapped all around my business and [at one point], I had Frenched Butter," she said. "His tongue went right in my mouth, right up my nose. And you know, call me crazy, but in the moment, I was like, 'Yeah, Butter. Butter, get it.'"
3| Serena and Nate boff at a wedding reception on Gossip Girl
Two high-school students get it on at the bar of Michael Jordan's Steakhouse with a reception happening about two feet away. Very realistic! NOT! Look, I get that it's Gossip Girl, and so insanity is already on the plate, but this bit was too much, even for me.
4| April and Daniel do it in a pool of paint on Mistresses
Maybe the creators thought this would look hot, but all I could think about was the clean-up. It's annoying enough to clean up after regular sex sometimes, and when you add in water colors, that shit is damn near impossible. But kudos to them! Gotta keep the magic alive, even if it ruins your entire living room!
5| Kelsey's "tram slam" en route to Roosevelt Island on Younger
Hilary Duff's Kelsey is at her sleaziest best when she realizes she can't date a seemingly perfect dude because he lives on Roosevelt Island. What a snob! But before she dumps him, she gets a quickie on the four-minute ride to the Island. Then, she unceremoniously dumps him as the tram doors close on their love.
6| Goddess Bilquis consumes a man on American Gods
I said what I said! Bilquis, played by Yetide Bedaki, brings a man to her bed and consumes him mid-sex via her vagina. If you can do this in real life, you are not human.
7| Buffy and Spike's bloody-brawl-turned-supernatural-lovemaking-fest on Buffy the Vampire Slayer
After several seasons of serious sexual tension between Spike and Buffy, the two finally get it on in an abandoned house after an intense round of aggressive foreplay. In fact, their sex is so raucous that they literally bring the whole house down around them. Don't try this at home unless you're made of actual magic!
8| Maeve and Hector's repeated sexing to death on Westworld
Thandie Newton's Maeve makes it a habit of making love to Rodrigo Santoro's Hector and then killing him. The pièce de résistance is the time the attractive robots had such hot sex, it burned down their entire caravan. Of course, when you're not really human, you can do this sort of thing over and over again. Life is for the living!
9| Rob and Tracy's prison quickie on Coronation Street
I know this is a U.K. show, but Corrie fever is real, worldwide! However, even the most dedicated fan had to call bullshit on the quickie that Rob and Tracy were able to pull off behind a guard's back in the ten seconds they were left alone in his cell. Like, how did she even get into the cell with a convicted murderer in the first place? What are the laws like in that country!?
This story originally appeared on Esquire.com.
* Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.