The 13 Worst Movies of 2017
2017 has been an absolutely cracking year in film—we've had an absolute wealth of quality drama, smart sci-fi, ground-breaking horror, funny, grown-up superhero movies, and now . But along with the hits there'll always be the misses.
No one sets out to make a bad movie. But sometimes they do it by accident. Here are 13 movies that totally stank up the place in 2017.
1| The Book of Henry
Possibly our favorite terrible movie of the year, The Book of Henry is a mawkish and incredibly misjudged drama about a mum who considers becoming a murderous vigilante after her dead son leaves her a home-made training manual explaining how to assassinate their abusive neighbor.
It's weird, it's unintentionally funny and poor old Naomi Watts is very bad in it. Is this the reason director Colin Trevorrow was dropped from Star Wars: Episode IX? We can but speculate.
2| Underworld: Blood Wars
Let's face it, the main reason people still turn up to these movies is to see Kate Beckinsale in PVC trousers, so it's perhaps churlish to point out that the franchise has gone seriously cold. This one is a deeply un-fun actioner for no one but die-hard fans.
Remember when Ringu came out and how terrifying and important it was? Yeah, well don't ruin that memory by going to see this attempted franchise reboot which had a glimmer of promise in the premise (research students operate a controlled unit of people watching and passing on the video to study its effects) which it then squanders in favor of another generic back-story arc. Depressingly un-scary.
4| Fifty Shades Darker
We almost feel a little bit sad about having this on the list. It's not that this is a badly made film—director James Foley has had a good go—it's just that it's such an unbelievably stupid story packed with terrible dialogue. In this one there's a bit about a sleazy boss, a helicopter crash and a troubled ex, and Kim Basinger gets slapped in the face, but it's all just (horrible) decoration for the (not even that kinky) shagging scenes.
5| A Cure for Wellness
The trailers looked gorgeous, and to be fair, the visuals are great, which is just as well for a movie this loooooong and stooooopid. Dane DeHaan is the high flying businessman sent to track down a former colleague who has disappeared in a mysterious spa retreat. But when he arrives it seems like they're trying to keep him there. What's going on? When you find out, eyes will roll.
Not funny, kind of homophobic, mean-spirited buddy-cop movie that was just completely misjudged and vanished at the box office. Based on the '70s and '80s show about two California Highway patrol cops, it totally failed in all the ways succeeded.
This was Arnie having a go at doing serious drama. "Could this be his awards moment?" we wondered before we actually watched the film. "No," was the answer.
What begins as an interesting character piece—Arnie is a construction worker whose wife and child are killed in a plane crash, Scoot McNairy is the air-traffic controller who bears responsibility for the accident—turns into a horrible revenge story. A deeply unpleasant film that Arnie really couldn't carry.
8| King Arthur: Legend of The Sword
Who really thought this was a good idea? A new King Arthur story directed by Guy Ritchie and starring Charlie Hunnam and , which reinvents Arthurian legend to turn it into a geezer-pleasing action movie? Well no one, it turns out—this was .
The tanking of Baywatch clearly came as a surprise to movie execs who on reviews aggregator Rotten Tomatoes, where it lingered on a rotten . Of course, that's because the film isn't very good.
Shame really, a self-aware nostalgia comedy with everyone's favorite rock, Dwayne Johnson, should have been gold but crass gags and tone problems left it floundering in the shallows instead.
10| The Emoji Movie
Frontrunner for worst movie of the year, what's slightly depressing is that this piece of utter chocolate ice-cream emoji actually took $200 million worldwide. An incredibly dull, ugly, pointless and cynical exercise which is essentially one giant ad for apps. If that's not enough, it features Sir Patrick Stewart voicing a poo emoji. Low blow, people.
11| Transformers: The Last Knight
Can we please agree to stop making these films?
The original Flatliners has a Rotten Tomatoes score of 48% which we feel is a bit low—but hey, the new one has only scraped a measly 5% approval rate. "Unnecessary' seems to be about the kindest thing anyone has to say about this re-heated horror of medical students experimenting with life after death."
Shame, because the cast (Ellen Page, Diego Luna, James Norton) is good, and the director Niels Arden Oplev is the guy who made the original The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.
13| The Snowman
This is perhaps the most confusing "What the f**k happened??!" movie on the list. A crime noir based on the best selling novel by Jo Nesbø, with Michael Fassbender in the lead, directed by Tomas Alfredson, who made Let the Right One In, and with Thelma freakin' Schoonmaker as one of the editors, how on earth this managed to be so terrible we have no idea.
It's a dumb story, badly edited, lacking any tension, that chops about incoherently for two hours, and you'll be glad at least there's pretty scenery to look at.
This story originally appeared on Esquire.co.uk.
* Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.