Music

A Guide to the Horrible Songs That Will Probably Win Grammys

A hater's guide to music's biggest night.
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As far as Grammys standards go, this year's nominees are pretty good! But that's not saying much considering the phrase "Grammy winners The Chainsmokers" exists. So with that in mind, you'll be pleased to know that there are a ton of horrible nominations at the 2018 Grammys, as is the tradition. 

So sit back and take a listen through some of the crap that could win music's highest honor on Sunday.

“Shape of You,” Ed Sheeran 

Nominated for: Best Pop Solo Performance 

Drumming on a guitar should be fucking illegal unless you are one of two people named Rodrigo y Gabriela. Here, alleged ally Ed Sheeran outlines his steps for procuring a human woman: 1. Don’t go to the club; go to the BAR. 2. Listen to goddamn Van Morrison. 3. Be obsessed with her physical appearance. 4. Literally just beg her. 5. Make creepy comments about her scent. 

Chances of winning: This is an Ed Sheeran song. They are high.

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“Something Just Like This,” Coldplay and The Chainsmokers 

Nominated for: Best Pop Duo/Group Performance 

Do me a favor and imagine a Coldplay song real quick. And I hate to do this to you, but now imagine a Chainsmokers song. You’ve just written "Something Just Like This." It’s like a Thomas Kinkade painting pounded some Jager bombs or Michael Bay directing a romantic comedy. 

Chances of winning: [Fist pumps while gently sobbing.] 

"Everything Now," Arcade Fire 

Nominated For: Best Alternative Music Album 

Did you know we live in a materialistic society where every aspect of our lives are commoditized by corporations? Did you know that we’ve been brainwashed for instant gratification—whether it be through TV, the Internet, smartphones, or virtual reality? Did you know every time “you smile it’s a fake”? No you didn’t, dummy. You didn’t know that until Arcade Fire released you from a prison of brands. 

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Chances of winning: As likely as Win Butler making a pretentious acceptance speech.

“Thunder,” Imagine Dragons 

Nominated for: Best Pop Duo/Group Performance 

Imagine Dragons has approximately a Second Grade understanding of weather.  

Chances of winning: Add up every stomp and clap and divide by "Despacito"

“Body Like a Back Road,” Sam Hunt 

Nominated for: Best Country Solo Performance 

Pop country artists often like to compare women’s bodies to inanimate objects. In this song, Sam Hunt compares a woman’s body to a back road, which I think is a good thing? He bravely uses the tried and true country cliche of painted on jeans, delivered in his bubblegum white guy rap-singing. He also advocates doing “15 in a 30,” which is also considered dangerous driving, people. 

Chances of winning: The same odds that Sam Hunt forgot to vote for Trump. 

"The First Time It Happens," Seth MacFarlane 

Nominated for: Best Traditional Pop Album 

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Hey, Family Guy is nominated alongside Bob Dylan. Nothing weird or bad about this award show. 

Chances of winning: About 17 Family Guy fart jokes and a Marky Mark movie.

“The Stage,” Avenged Sevenfold 

Nominated for: Best Rock Song 

This is, in fact, not a Guns ‘N Roses tribute band. This is Avenged Sevenfold, which is sponsored by Monster Energy Drink and holds the world record for longest guitar solo playing the same note. 

Chances of winning: [Excruciating guitar solo]

“Two Wildly Different Perspectives,” Father John Misty 

Nominated for: Best Alternative Music Album 

Here’s Father John Misty mansplaining the complexities of a polarized bipartisan political system through the magic of song. 

Chances of winning: Depends on how long you can make eye contact with Josh Tillman. 

“Drinkin’ Problem,” Midland 

Nominated for: Best Country Duo/Group Performance. 

This is kind of like the red state version of Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab.” 

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Chances of winning: Only if Midland makes it through the red carpet without vomiting on Pink.

“24K Magic,” Bruno Mars 

Nominated for: Record of the Year 

Look, Bruno Mars seems genuinely great and is a hell of a performer. But not even his charm can make up for how dumb his music is. It’s really hard to believe a song that uses the phrase “hashtag blessed” is nominated alongside Kendrick Lamar, Jay-Z, and Childish Gambino. But, I guess, that’s the Grammys for you. 

Chances of winning: Fucking probably.

This story originally appeared on Esquire.com. Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.

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Matt Miller
Matt Miller is the Associate Culture Editor for Esquire.com
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