Food

How to Subtly Stalk Your Jollibae

A play-by-play analysis of the Kwentong Jollibee 'Crush' TVC.
IMAGE Jollibee
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Let’s get this out of the way first: Jollibee burgers. Yum! Its nearest competitors? None. Just wanted to make that clear. So, please don’t consider this an affront to the unquestionable deliciousness of Jollibee’s signature burger, but merely a critical yet honest examination of its effectiveness in helping to attract a romantic partner.

If you haven’t seen the commercial yet, here it is:

A play-by-play analysis will help us determine whether the ‘burger note’ strategy works.

Shall we?

The story begins on a college campus. Our hero (the non-burger kind) walks down the hallway and bumps into a girl whose sartorial choices are at best questionable. Eye contact is made for a brief moment when she manages to pry her eyes away from her burger snack.

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Soon after our bespectacled hero walks into a Jollibee restaurant only to find his crush sitting alone at a table chowing down on a couple of delicious Yum burgers while working on an assignment. There’s a tall beverage to wash down that tasty burger and large French fries, but no ketchup, which is odd. Also odd is the look on our hero’s face. But then he smiles, perhaps thinking “How weird that she only eats burgers, but let’s go with this!”


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The next day, our love interest opens her personal locker to find… a burger with a note on it saying ‘Good morning’. She’s not worried about this invasion of privacy and does not report it to campus security. A cursory internet search on our end reveals that our burglar (burger mascot pun!) has committed simple trespass. No valuables were stolen. (Only his heart, cringe.)


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Our girl sits on a bench. She’s sad for some reason. To cheer her up, our hero enlists a friend in a deceptive ‘burger note’ maneuver. The distinctly anti-feminist note says “How about a smile!” Remember the last time you told a women that it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile? How did that go? Right.


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The stalking continues on a basketball court with a THIRD ‘burger note’ attempt. This THIRD time however, a basketball jock in super-tight shorts (think Isiah Thompson circa 1981) chats up our cheerleading chiquita. Burger fail.


Our hero has been laying low, waiting for an opportune moment. An argument between the couple appears to be it. Good thing he has a ‘burger note’ ready (REALLY? FROM WHERE?). Yum burger (and heart) in hand, he runs after her… only to be intercepted by her boyfriend. If only he would’ve gone to her straight instead of wasting time procuring a burger. It’s only now that the identity of the secret burger saint is revealed.

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Note: this is the fourth time he has attempted this.


30 to 40 years later at a college reunion. Our love interest chats with a handsome former classmate. He says goodbye. It’s getting late and she sits all by herself waiting for someone… our hero perhaps? The uncertainty is unbearable. Then our hero appears. He has a ‘burger note’ which says “sorry I’m late”. The line at the Jollibee drive thru must’ve been crazy. After all these years, they’re finally reunited, or so we think, until we realize (M. Night Shyamalan twist alert!) that they’ve been married all along! Imagine a lifetime of sweet and thoughtful ‘burger notes.’

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What have we learned?

  • Perfect one simple move. Think Dirk Nowitzki’s awkward step-back jumper.
  • Stalk your bae. Find out her habits, her locker room combination etc.
  • Just be persistent. If you try often enough, you’ll score.
  • Don’t wear tight basketball shorts.

 

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Christopher Puhm
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