My Life with a Micropenis

Less than 1 percent of men worldwide have a micropenis, which means it’s less than three inches long when stretched. For this edition of the Secret Lives of Men, Esquire spoke to Sebastian*, a 43-year-old British deliveryman whose micropenis has shaped his life.

*Names and identifying details have been change to protect anonymity.

As Told To Hallie Lieberman

I didn’t realize I had a micropenis until I was 12, even though my penis was only one inch long when flaccid. Until then, I’d never been naked around other guys. I only realized I was different when I was changing before PE class. There were probably 20 other boys in the locker room, and I noticed that their penises were significantly bigger than mine. Some of them smirked and said, “It must be cold in here.” The comments stung. From then on, I made sure to change into my gym shorts quickly.

I was determined not to let anybody else see my dick, so I decided not to date during high school. I wasn’t exactly popular, but I did have a few opportunities. I just never took them.

It wasn’t until I was 18 that I was brave enough to let a girl see my penis. One of my coworkers was a cute girl who I got along with well. We were just work friends initially. She split with her boyfriend, and another coworker told me that she liked me. I began flirting with her, and she asked me on a date. I was afraid that she’d see my penis and be scared away, so I invited other coworkers and made it a social event. The next time she asked me on a date, I did the same thing.

When she asked a third time, I decided it wouldn’t be fair to turn it into a group date again. So we went on our first real date. I wanted to avoid a situation where we’d be alone, so we went to a park, had a nice walk, and made out. She said she wanted to show me some abandoned ruins. We walked to them, she placed a blanket down, and we lay there for a while talking. Then she placed her hand on my leg and slowly moved it up. I was excited and scared at the same time.

Once her hand arrived at my penis, it was starting to get hard. As she rubbed it above my clothes, I told her that my penis wasn’t very impressive. She took it out of my pants anyway. By this time, it was nearing its nearly three-inch-long erect size. I thought she’d start laughing when she saw it, but she didn’t. She just said it was normal and continued to play with it. This gave me a huge feeling of relief. She asked if I was enjoying the handjob, and I said yes. It was my first one. Once I finished, I hurried to put my penis away.

We met up a few more times, and I lost my virginity to her. Throughout the time we were together, I was never brave enough to let her see my penis flaccid. I made sure I had an erection before taking my clothes off. Our relationship ended when she got back with her ex-boyfriend.

The brief relationship helped me gain some confidence, but it was always in the back of my head that my penis was just too small to please a sexual partner.

My penis didn’t just affect my dating life, though. It affected my daily life. I tried to avoid using urinals. I stopped playing football because of the locker-room situation after games. I always wear big hoodies or baggy shorts to hide my lack of a bulge. Cold days are the absolute worst, because my penis gets inverted. I need to warm it up to allow me to pee without splashing on myself.

I did eventually meet someone, and we had a long relationship. She was a virgin with no experience, so that was kind of a lifesaver for me. She didn’t say anything about my size. The third girl I slept with, we only did it once, and it was dark and under the covers.

I currently have a girlfriend, but we’re going through a rough patch. She told me my penis was the smallest she’s seen, but she wasn’t bothered. I believed her. Then one day I was fixing her broken wardrobe door, and I had to clear out the bottom of the wardrobe. I found a small case with an eight-inch purple rabbit vibrator inside and a half-empty tube of lube nearby. When I saw the vibrator, my heart sank. She never mentioned having one. It made me feel very self-conscious because it was obviously a lot bigger than me.

I asked her about the vibrator. She tried to play it off as a joke, saying a coworker had bought it for her. She said she only used it once. I didn’t believe her. I told her that I didn’t mind that she owned a vibrator, but I would like to be able to use it on her during sex. She got angry and said she’d throw it out.

I don’t know if our relationship will work out. I would like to get married and settle down one day, but I fear my micropenis will prevent me. It’s stopped me from dating in the past. Who knows what I’ve missed out on?

This story originally appeared on Esquire.com.

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