Sex & Relationships

NSFW: We test-drive sex toys

How about some self-service? Roll up your sleeves and take your erection to a new direction.
IMAGE Esquire UK
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Sex toys—the mere mention of them elicits nervous giggles and naughty smiles. Everyone is curious about trying one, but god forbid you get caught with one in your drawer. In reality, these toys are probably one of the safest ways to explore your sexuality. They’re fun and quirky—healthy, not creepy! But because many are seemingly geared towards women, most men neglect to take care of themselves when they’re (ahem) in between sets. In case you didn’t know guys, there are safer ways to get your rocks off aside from happy ending massages and paid sex. I’m not just talking about butt plugs, either. Why risk getting an STD when a novelty toy can do the job without your dick falling off? (FYI, it costs roughly P16,000++ to get a complete screening for all STDs—all because you didn’t want to use a condom. Dumbass.) Lucky for you, I had a guinea pig, and we gave some of these toys a test run.

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The Wavy Egg

I must admit, I was very excited for J to try the Tenga Egg Wavy because of its adorable packaging. You could easily leave it around your house and none would be the wiser. It comes in a plastic egg-shaped container that looks like it came from a coin machine dispenser. Once opened, it has the texture and consistency of a mochi ball—soft, jiggly and smooth like a baby’s bottom. There is a tampon-like plug made of hard plastic to prevent the egg from collapsing onto itself. The insert also contained idiotproof instructions and a small package of water-based lube, which is a plus. When the plug is removed, and the egg is turned inside out, it has wavy ridges all around, reminiscent of mini meat curtains.

As I aided him while he lubed up the egg (we all need a little help from our friends!) the first thing he noticed was that it was like masturbating with a soft rubber glove—not like a condom where you can feel your fingers, but definitely enough to feel your finger pressure. The wavy texture on the inside was okay, not amazing. He says it felt better when I was jacking him off with it so he could feel the pattern more. As a couple’s toy, it’s handy for foreplay: it has a great tip stimulation, and stretches easily. However, because of its size, it’s like putting half a dick in a pussy—a bit of a tease. It falls short when stimulation is only at the tip or at the base, not the whole penis. It also has a tendency to be a bit loose, but if you stretch it any tighter (depending on your length and girth) it might break. When pulled all the way down to the base of the shaft, it constricts the tip almost to the point of desensitizing it. J says it also feels better when there is an air pocket. The good thing about this toy is that it is easy to clean with mild soap and water. The instructions say that it is disposable and meant for one-time use. But if you are careful, it can be used several times. I would definitely recommend it for beginners.

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Ride the waves of the Tenga Egg Wavy—made with multiple layers of large, flexible ribs for a sensational experience. (P490, shopilya.com)

Deep Throat Cup

The second plaything we tried out was the Tenga Deep Throat Cup. It has a screwtop, and a rounded cylindrical shape with a groove down the middle made of hard plastic. Upon further inspection, we realized there was a vacuum seal sticker at the top that you remove when in use. I made the mistake of hurriedly removing the cap due to my enthusiasm, so I didn’t realize it came pre-lubed, and some of it had actually spilled onto the bed. The inside is made of a soft, smooth flexible rubber, and the fact that it came pre-lubed is a plus for those who want go to town straight away. I could tell that J liked this one a lot more. It has a snug covering that didn’t loosen up. With dimensions that are 6.9 x 15.5 cm, it has pretty good coverage for the average person from tip to base, but J would have been more comfortable with another inch or so since he is larger than most.

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The vacuum feature is a nice touch because you can control the suction with your fingertip, making it as tight or as loose as you want as long as you don’t remove your penis from the container. If your penis does slip out, then it queefs. This may be a problem if you have roommates. But if you’re the type of guy who likes queefs and slurping sounds for a realistic experience, then knock yourself out. It does have a tendency to get you over-stimulated when you climax. So if you are sensitive and tickly after an orgasm, you may want to pull out. This will also make your toy last longer, if you so prefer.

Another nice thing about it was that it is a contained mess—that is, no lube on the hands because the lube is in the tube. Since it is made of thermoplastic elastomer, it needs a water-based lube. The groove on the cylinder makes it easier to grip so not only can you control the vacuum pressure but also you get a nice glide and twist action through the whole length of the penis. And since you don’t feel your hand, it feels more like you’re fucking something as opposed to jacking off.

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This Original Deep Throat Cup mimics the sensation of that difficult Oral maneuver. At least now you don’t have to worry if you’re gagging your lover. (P730, shopilya.com) 

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