Unmasking the Commitment-phobic Man

We’ve seen this guy. We know him. And some of us might have pretty strong feelings about him.  
 
He’s in the movies and shows that we grew up watching (looking at you, Ben Affleck, who plays Neil of 2009’s He’s Just Not That Into You, and you, John Cusack, whose emotionally stunted Rob powers 2000’s High Fidelity. Heck, even Matt LeBlanc’s perpetual bachelor Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S. is in the same bucket).  

This guy has also become meme fuel these days, making regular appearances in our friends’ Instagram DMs. Leonardo DiCaprio and his alleged preference for speed dating women half his age come to mind, and so does John Mayer’s “revolving door” approach to his relationships. Meanwhile, many a singer has penned lyrics expressing heartache over the man who just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, settle down (up next on our playlist: Moira Dela Torre’s Malaya and Up Dharma Down’s Indak).  

In reel and real life, the man who appears ripe for lifelong commitment, yet chooses his romantic freedom above all else, has caused women everywhere to collectively roll their eyes or wake up to tear-stained pillows. At one point or another, we’ve all been part of a group chat that was formed to dissect the reasons behind why this man is the way he is, often ending with guesses at best.  

The presence of the voluntarily single man is ubiquitous yet ambiguous, so much so that interest in the whys of his mind has gone beyond pop culture fodder. Science has taken on the responsibility of investigating this social and psychological phenomenon, with researchers providing more nuanced insight into why men who “should” be ready for commitment seem to evade it. In the process, they debunk myths while confirming some pieces of conventional wisdom, and try to describe the circumstances surrounding the Filipino man’s decision to stay un-coupled and, oftentimes, unmarried.  

Is he truly problematic, or do we just not fully get him?  

All those who have wondered out loud or in private about why this man can’t be pinned down might find their answers here, or, at the very least, be given food for thought.  

Before we all become armchair sociologists or therapists rearing to grapple with the stormy hearts of “commitment-phobic" men, it’s best to listen to what experts have to say on the topic and keep an open mind.  

Like many things about dating and relationships, there isn’t a blanket explanation that answers why there are men whose biggest fear in life seems to be settling down for good. It’s difficult to make definitive conclusions about human nature because subjective experiences are as varied as there are human beings on the planet; you could have two twin brothers who experienced much of life the same way, yet they could develop varying attitudes towards love and companionship. External factors such as changing socioeconomic structures and emerging cultural values and traditions, as well as internal factors like emotional and psychological development all impact a man’s relationship decisions. In truth, there exists a complex intersection of these elements underpinning why this kind of man might be the way he is.  

There are a ton of pseudo-scientific social media posts and articles that have attempted to summarize (or sensationalize) what empirical research has found, but end up oversimplifying things. For example, there is a widely shared, but questionably sourced, statistical tidbit that resurfaces from time to time on social media platforms that pushes this narrative. The post states that men, especially Western men, become less likely to commit to a long-term relationship if they are still single by 37 or 38, and this disinterest grows even stronger by age 43. Hence, readers infer that women who are approaching middle age or are middle-aged and looking for lifelong partners are the most down on their luck.  

Posts like this are harmful because they exclude a lot of context and give more ammunition to the many raging gender wars. This post in particular communicates that men who don’t settle down at a certain age are thorny characters to be avoided at all costs. What if it were the other way around, and it suggested that women in their late 30s and 40s who chose to stay single were grumpy old crones incapable of commitment? The comment section would be ablaze with women defending other women for being empowered, seeking out opportunities for growth, and taking control of their life direction. What are some of the reasons men of this day and age are not seen the same way, and why are we quick to judge them, too?  

This article goes into a few of these factors to give us a better perspective.  

There’s an expectation that men in their late 20s to 30s should be in, or ready for, long-term commitment. Marriage has to be on the table by this age. It’s just the “normal” course of things, and if they fail to meet this deadline or aren’t thinking about meeting it at all, then they must be a walking red flag.  

A recently published study conducted by Filipino data research firm Arkipelago Analytics revealed that only 40 percent of Gen Z respondents stated they desired long-term commitment, specifically marriage, and of this number, a surprising 60 percent stated they wished to get married after 35 (Most Gen Z Filipinos Who Want to Marry Prefer to Do so after 35, 2025). Entering long-term relationships at a later age is now deemed more socially acceptable than it was just 16 years ago, when the average age of Filipino men during their first marriages was 27 years old (Abalos, 2014). In 2022, this rose to 30 years old (Kuang, 2025). Using these data points, and with more of Gen Z nearing marriage age while preferring to marry later, one can loosely assume that Filipinos (this includes both women and men) could marry closer to 40 than 30 in the next decade. Our society could see a dramatic shift in both men's and women’s ideal marrying age, making it completely normal for men to prioritize settling down only when they reach middle age as more established individuals.  

What’s even more interesting is why this is now an observable trend. What are some of the reasons Filipino men are delaying marriage?  

In the Philippines, one of the strongest indicators of delaying long-term commitment leading up to marriage is increased educational opportunities and the demand for more competitive work skills. Access to a university education, and for some individuals, graduate and post-graduate degrees, is seen as an opportunity to advance the self. More and more Filipino men today recognize that a stronger educational background is key to finding better work opportunities and becoming a more marketable applicant, which in turn grants them greater financial stability.  

There is now a better understanding that first working to become an independent individual is foundational to a healthy, long-term relationship (Abalos, 2014).  

Working on oneself while simultaneously working on a serious relationship can be a lot to juggle, and perhaps not the best route to take if the goal is to marry as a self-reliant individual. It’s possible that more Filipino men have seen the advantages of first working to hone their potential to become a worthy partner. Smoothing out what can be smoothed out before attempting to couple up may just become the new normal. We’ve traditionally associated career advancement and personal stability with women’s pre-marriage goals, but an updated view is that modern men could be prioritizing these factors as well. Existing social structures have just shone the spotlight on women taking advantage of these opportunities, thanks to the discourse surrounding changing gender expectations. But today, it would be good to stop and think that men wish to level up, too. Wanting to become better educated and more competitive in the workforce before partnering up is no longer just a woman-only concern in the 21st century. Choosing self-development could be affecting men’s attitudes towards marriage in similar ways.  

Furthermore, it’s important to remember that marriage in the Philippines was once treated as a means to combine family resources and bolster a couple’s joint economic standing in the not-so-distant past. More recent trends show that Filipino men who can afford higher education may choose to delay serious commitment precisely so they can enter a long-term commitment financially prepared. Getting married with ample economic resources makes it easier (i.e., more enjoyable) to maintain a long-term commitment. In other words, getting married when you can actually already afford to spend on needs and a few wants here and there makes marriage a more pleasurable partnership. Whereas getting married while still working to become financially stable adds stress to the relationship, which in itself is also still finding its footing. Men from neighboring East Asian countries have been on this trajectory for some years now, and Filipino men are following suit. Thus, it follows that Filipino men struggling with financial inadequacy may avoid long-term commitment. Knowing that they cannot provide for themselves, they could be delaying serious relationships because they cannot afford them (Abalos, 2014).  

In this case, Filipino men who end up pursuing long-term relationships at an older age may be ironically misperceived as having a lack of commitment, when their actions could be a reflection of a deeper understanding of what it takes to be committed. The single tito we assume to be allergic to commitment could just be trying his best to be the most prepared for it, while younger guys know better to wait until their pockets are sufficiently lined to prep for partner permanency.  

Another reason for men postponing long-term commitment in the form of marriage is a little more controversial: the absence of divorce in the Philippines. This does not just affect Filipino men of marrying age, but also younger men. More than ever, they’ve become more aware of the financial, emotional, and social expenses tied to separation and annulment and have developed strategies to safeguard themselves from the consequences of failed marriages. This is especially the case among young Filipinos who witnessed their own parents’ marriages fall apart without the amicable outcome that a legal divorce could have provided. Research states that individuals who grow up in households of “broken families” continue to be affected by this in adulthood. Specifically, they fear repeating the same pattern in their own marriages and avoid commitment for as long as possible (Magpantay et al., 2024).  

As a result, Filipino men are now more frequently choosing cohabitation as a permanent alternative to marriage, or treating cohabitation as a prolonged trial period for marriage that has no tight deadline, to circumvent the complicated processes of annulment, should it be needed. Some Filipino men have reported wanting to get to know their partners better and working on their intimacy before tying the knot as more important than marrying for the sake of security or meeting social expectations (Kuang, 2025).  

In 2022, research conducted among university students showed that, while marriage was still valued by this demographic, it was viewed as both a legal recognition of their rights and a strengthening of intimacy (Galit et al., 2025). This is a relatively new development, suggesting that Filipinos enter long-term relationships leading to marriage when they deem themselves emotionally and mentally aligned with their partner. Marriage is not a social or familial obligation or simply an agreement that grants them more privileges as a married couple, but a product of fully compatible love. Filipino men could be negotiating what it means to uphold traditional family values (such as “needing” to get married in the first place) while balancing them with personal aspirations (such as marrying only if they find a suitable partner, and delaying marriage if they have not).  

Generally, there is a lot more freedom in choosing how to spend one’s life with a partner these days, whether or not marriage is involved. There is a lesser need to rush one’s “I dos.” Today’s Filipino man is allowing himself to take time in weighing his options. If he chooses wrongly, he knows it will be a rough and winding path out of the mess, given the extremely limited options the Philippines offers to separated couples. If he chooses wisely, he and his partner will be rewarded. Filipino men are entering an era where rushing to get married rather than thinking it through may soon become the bigger taboo than marrying at a later age, given that they are approaching lifelong commitment more deliberately and intentionally.  

Now, is it all that surprising to see men choosing to marry later? Should they be penalized for appearing to be pickier with who they consider a long-term match commitment, or should we be applauding them for knowing better? 

Here’s a caveat: the discussions above describe a well-functioning man. Obviously, a man who takes into account things like partner compatibility, self-development, balancing tradition, legal consequences, and financial stability sounds like a great dude across the board.  

But what about other, less noble explanations stopping him from pursuing his forever love? Reasons like psychological issues getting in the way of a desire for commitment are often the focus of the Internet’s pseudo-scientific posts meant to ragebait audiences for comments and shares, but they are also some of the most misunderstood. (So that we don’t jump on any hate trains, let’s go back to the point made earlier about not making generalizations. Not all men who don’t dabble in the dating game are psychologically unwell).  

Psychology provides many angles on men and relationships, but the most talked about has to be the impact of his attachment style on commitment. Personality theory states that a person’s attachment style is developed in early childhood. The way we interact with people who are important to us as we grow older, especially our romantic partners, all goes back to our relationship with our primary caregiver/s. If a man’s primary caregiver effectively met his needs as a child by being attentive, loving, and providing security, this helps him mature into an adult who is trusting of romantic partners. He believes that they, too, can meet his needs and can be relied on. This is what’s known as a secure attachment. On the other hand, a man who had a primary caregiver who failed to meet his needs may develop an insecure attachment style. He may view romantic relationships as comparably murky and volatile, making it difficult for him to form intimate bonds or causing him to avoid them completely. There are things they need to discover about themselves and the world to help them see that love can be worth exploring, even with uncertainties (Feist et al., 2018). For this kind of man, commitment can be confusing and scary, and they may not even understand why they’re feeling this way in the first place. Aspiring partners to these men, whose mantra is “I can fix him,” need to understand that it won’t be a straightforward journey.  

Another perspective to consider is that provided by Stanford research psychologist Dr. Laura Carstensen. She’s the brains behind what’s known as the Socioemotional Selectivity Theory, which has wide applications in the science behind romantic relationships. Part of the theory states that our motivations and pursuits change when we know some kind of “end” is approaching and that this end is inevitable. Realizing that we are aging and that our years on this earth are limited counts as one of these instances. When it comes to pursuing long-term commitment, this is observed in more mature individuals who become more motivated to invest only in the relationships that mean the most to them. This means they voluntarily shrink their social networks to include only their closest contacts, stop engaging in activities that have become less important to them, and generally only pursue things that add to their sense of meaning and satisfaction. They live life to maximize positive experiences and emotions while minimizing those that potentially open opportunities for conflict. Individuals at this life stage will tend to value quality over quantity (Carstensen, 2021).  
  

One can theorize that Filipino men who have not yet found viable long-term romantic partners by a certain age simply do not feel the need to actively seek them out. They may focus on other kinds of life milestones and have found other sources of happiness and purpose. Recall that the theory states that as life progresses and people get older, they willingly devote their energy to spending time with people they already know and feel close to, and doing things that they have already mastered and enjoy the most. Putting themselves in unfamiliar and high-risk situations (such as dating, with the risk of things turning sour) becomes under-prioritized. From this perspective, it may be that a man is not uninterested in finding a long-term relationship or is unable to promise commitment, but perhaps is already living happily even without one. It’s not that this man is closed off to the idea of commitment; it’s just not very high on his list of priorities. 

Consider too that men have a shorter lifespan than women (seven years shorter on average, globally) (Shmerling, 2020). We can explore the idea that they have less time to enjoy what they want to enjoy and be who they want to be with, and this further motivates them to seek out situations that are more familiar and guaranteed to be satisfying.  

More interestingly, a study conducted among Japanese adults showed that the desire for long-term commitment (i.e., marriage) can actually shift over time. Researchers confirmed data showing that interest in long-term commitment decreases with age, but added the detail that this is not a permanent state of mind. This is evidence against the notion that a man who does not want to commit right now will never want to commit. If a man meets a high-potential partner, he may pursue this romantic connection. That is, a man may be happily single at the moment, but if he meets the right woman at the right time, it’s entirely possible that he may change his mind and decide that a relationship with her can make him even happier. However, if he does not, this does automatically translate to decreased happiness, but possibly simply a maintenance of his status quo (Yu & Hara, 2022). When you think about it, maybe the adage “he’s just not that into you” holds more wisdom than we thought.  

In the end, it’s important to learn that a hundred and one things are going on underneath the surface of the “commitment phobe.” The points made here are just meant to broaden our perspective and are not absolute conclusions. Just as all people would like to be understood before judgment is passed on our decisions, especially big ones like long-term commitment and marriage, which can alter our quality of life for the better or worse, the guy carefully weighing the pros and cons of committing probably deserves the same.  

It’s much better to get to know him for who he is and what he’s going through, versus automatically assuming he’s your very own Leo D and you, the next Taylor Swift singer-songwriter, ready with ballads about men who didn’t make the cut.  

Humans are complicated things with layers to peel away, with this just being one of the many facets of human experience.

References:  

Abalos, J. B. (2014). Trends and determinants of age at union of men and women in the Philippines. Journal of Family Issues, 35(12), 1624–1641. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513x14538024  

Carstensen, L. L. (2021). Socioemotional Selectivity Theory: the role of perceived endings in human motivation. The Gerontologist, 61(8), 1188–1196. https://doi.org/10.1093/geront/gnab116 

Galit, J. K., Albor, R. G., Ancho, I., Botor, N. J., Sagun, D. J., Ledesma, E., Mendres, M. Y., & Gironella, E. A. (2025). Perceptions of marriage and future marital intentions among Filipino senior university students. Journal of Family Sciences, 10(2), 232–250. https://doi.org/10.29244/jfs.v10i2.63988 

Kuang, B. (2025). Is marriage “just a paper”? Why men and women choose cohabitation over marriage in the Philippines: Insights from focus group data. Genus, 81(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s41118-025-00263-2 

Magpantay, A. C L., Rungduin, T. T., & Basan, M. B. S. J. L. (2024). Exploring the romantic relationships and coping strategies of Filipino young adults whose parents committed infidelity. International Multidisciplinary Research Journal, 6(2). https://doi.org/10.54476/ioer-imrj/867922 

Most gen Z Filipinos who want to marry prefer to do so after 35. (2025, March 24). Manila Bulletin. https://mb.com.ph/2025/3/24/most-gen-z-filipinos-who-want-to-marry-prefer-to-do-so-after-35 

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Shmerling, R. H. (2020, June 22). Why men often die earlier than women. Harvard Health Blog. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/why-men-often-die-earlier-than-women-201602199137 

Yu, W. & Hara, Y. (2022). Stability and relevance of marriage desires: Importance of age norms and partnering opportunities. Journal of Marriage and Family, 85(2), 391-412.. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12891 

Feist, J., Feist, G. J., & Roberts, T. (2018). Theories of personality (9th ed.). McGraw-Hill Education 

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