41 Ways Elon Musk Could Spend 41 Billion Dollars That Isn't Buying Twitter

Why are you buying Twitter when you could franchise 88,802 Dominos?
IMAGE SHUTTERSTOCK

Imagine being a millionaire. Now multiply that by 1,000. Congratulations, you're a billionaire. Now multiply that by roughly 40. That's 40,000 millions. OK, still with me? Imagine taking all of that and using it to buy... Twitter.

That's the news item we're dealing with today. Elon Musk, founder of Tesla and SpaceX, has put in an offer to buy Twitter for the low, low price of $41.39 billion. Like most villain origin stories, that decision comes after Twitter stakeholders attempted to sue Musk for driving up stock prices by not disclosing his 9.2 percent stake in the company quickly enough. Earlier this week, after his purchase, Musk also turned down a seat on Twitter's board (fun fact: if you're on the board, you can own no more than 15 percent of the company), after which, presumably, he let out a hearty laugh into a cavernous lair, rubbed his hands together, and pressed a large red button that sent the offer to buy 100 percent of the company.

Now, I don't know if you've been on Twitter recently, but it's a real hellscape. A lot of homophobia and misogyny and racism. Fighting over nothing and everything. To its credit, Twitter is the most porn-friendly social media platform following the downfall of Tumblr, but also, people can post bloody bodies and traumatic videos. Tons of infighting and misinformation. Anti-semitism and opinions on The Bachelor. It's not great, Bob. And there are so many thing you can buy in the world—things that are, simply, more enjoyable.

Elon, I know you're reading this you sneaky little snake. What if you and me had a chit chat about what else you could buy? As someone who makes well under six figures, I know a thing or two about capitalism. Better yet, I know something about blowing money on impulse purchases. So, respectfully, here's a list of 41 suggestions of how to spend that 41 billion dollars.

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  1. Choose a random mortgage in America and pay it off every day until all the money is gone.
  2. Buy a large island and just vibe.
  3. Franchise 88,802 Dominos, for the average investment cost of $461,700.
  4. Honestly, might just be easier to buy all of Dominos.
  5. Buy a staggeringly large number of those "adoptable stars" so you can wave to them when you go to "space."
  6. Book yourself the penthouse at any Four Seasons resort. Perhaps all you need is a solo night and a think.
  7. Do what people with too much money love to do: finance your side hustle as a DJ.
  8. Buy the letters D and J.
  9. Mega church!
  10. Buy the rights to this joke.
  11. (blah, blah, liberal agenda) Take out a huge chunk of the crippling student loan debt Americans are facing.
  12. Buy out Iceland's economy, twice.
  13. You can lock in tickets to Disney World for every child in the United States.
  14. Actually, you should just buy Disney World.
  15. If you're going to buy a social media app, you should buy NextDoor because it is wild.
  16. Reboot MySpace.
  17. Use a pinch of the money to start a podcast.
  18. Buy all of the Monster Energy drinks in the world and put that brand to rest, once and for all.
  19. Start a lofty media venture.
  20. Reprogram X Æ A-Xii.
  21. Clone X Æ A-Xii and see which one is a better model.
  22. Buy the house from Full House.
  23. Save your money, buy 51 percent of Twitter, then buy a jaunty '80s pantsuit à la Dynasty, storm into Twitter's board meeting, and announce, dramatically, "I own 51 percent of this company!"
  24. Buy Saturday Night Live, scrap the cast, start over.
  25. Get AOL Instant Messenger back in the spotlight. Really zhuzh up the interface this time.
  26. Plant an insane number of trees so the world is healthy when you, inevitably, claim total domination.
  27. Procure a red-headed orphan. Produce a musical about that journey. Star in it.
  28. Buy Midas. Change the jingle to "Trust the Elon touch."
  29. Buy a whole bunch of sports teams and make them battle.
  30. Put one million into Bitcoin.
  31. Invest in an actual spaceship that goes to space. Like, real space.
  32. Get really into flipping houses.
  33. Take a new date to Applebee's 2 for 20 special for, literally, the rest of your life.
  34. Pay Rihanna to release more music.
  35. Pay Kid Rock to stop making music.
  36. Invest in technology to resurrect the dead, resurrect Prince, then have him make more music.
  37. Finance three James Cameron films.
  38. Pay off the medical expenses of every child in America.
  39. Weed farm.
  40. Pack it all into tight money bricks and play Jenga with it.
  41. Buy some perspective. Surely with $41 billion, you can procure it somewhere.

FromEsquire US

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About The Author
Justin Kirkland
Justin Kirkland is a writer for Esquire, where he focuses on entertainment, television, and pop culture. Prior to Esquire, his work appeared in Entertainment Weekly, Hollywood Reporter, and USA Today. He is from East Tennessee and currently lives in Brooklyn, New York.
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