Why Manny Pacquiao Must Lose
This article was originally published in our April 2015 issue.
President Emmanuel Dapidran Pacquiao: Welcome, I now call to order the first official Cabinet meeting of my presidency.
Restituto “Buboy” Fernandez, Executive Secretary: Mabuhay ang bagong pangulo!
Pres. Pac-Man: While I am, you know, the sixteenth head of state of this beloved republic, I wish to conduct these proceedings as informally as possible, so please just call me Champion. Not just you, Buboy, but all of you. Okay?
Bob Arum, Secretary of Finance: You got it, Cham-peen!
Pres. Pac-Man: Let us now go around the table, so all the cabinet secretaries in attendance can present their department’s plan for my first 100 days. Let’s start with you, Bob.
Vice President Mary Grace Sonora Poe-Llamanzares: Mr. President...
Pres. Pac-Man: Call me Champion, you know.
VP Grace: No. Mr. President, you are aware that only Filipino citizens can serve in the Cabinet?
Sec. Bob: Who’s the doll, Cham-peen?
Pres. Pac-Man: Don’t worry, Grace. My fans in Congress will naturalize him.
VP Grace: But until that is passed under the Revised Naturalization Law, Mr. Arum’s presence in this meeting is unconstitutional.
Pres. Pac-Man: Let’s not fight, Grace. Your husband, after all, is related to my wife, Jinkee.
VP Grace: No, they are not. Your wife’s maiden name is Jamora, not Llamanzares.
Pres. Pac-Man: Oh, I was thinking of another Jinkee. Proceed, Bob.
Sec. Bob: To increase revenue, my first fiscal policy announcement is to make all your presidential speeches pay-per-view events.
VP Grace: That’s ludicrous! Our people elected the President! They should not have to pay to hear his public speeches!
Sec. Bob: Did you go to Harvard Law School like I did, doll? Nah, didn’t think so.
Pres. Pac-Man: I like it, Bob. Just don’t charge more than fifty dollars per household. We are a poor nation. Next, my friend Jake.
Jake Joson, Secretary of Tourism: Thank you, Champion. My first act as Secretary is to revamp our tourism campaign slogan to—are you ready?—“It’s More Sun in the Philippines.”
Pres. Pac-Man: I like it, Jake, but why is it your face in the poster?
Sec. Jake: Ah, this is why, Champion: every time you used to fight, at least after you became famous, millions of people around the world would see my game face behind you at the ringside as I carried your world title belts. Then those people would see me pump my fist into the dry Las Vegas air when Michael Buffer would say, “Let’s get ready to rumble!”
Pres. Pac-Man: Did you know Buffer has made more money than Bob and me combined because he trademarked “Let’s get ready to rumble”? Maybe, you know, he should be the Secretary of Finance.
Sec. Bob: Manny, baby... slow down, Cham-peen. Buffer and his sandblasted face never joined Muhammad Ali in an orgy like I did, remember? That’s a true story, by the way, doll. Yeah, for two entire days at the Philippine Village Hotel after the Thrilla in Manila!
Pres. Pac-Man: That is so cool, Bob. You’re still in charge of Finance. Tell me the whole story after we adjourn, okay?
Sec. Jake: Champion, may I continue? So, next to you, I am the true face of the Philippines, which is why I am on the poster.
Pres. Pac-Man: Okay, next.
Luis “Chavit” Crisologo Singson, Secretary of National Defense: Mahal kong Kampeon, to enhance the fighting capability of the AFP, my Mossad-trained private army will drill them in advanced combat techniques. Also, to improve the extraction of intelligence from captured enemies, I am appointing Max, my pet Bengal tiger, as Chief Interrogator.
VP Grace: Mr. President, this is unacceptable!
Pres. Pac-Man: Call me Champion.
Sec. Chavit: Who do you think you are, FPJ’s real daughter? Do you want to end up a photo in my wallet like that guy who now walks a little funny? Just because you were a former senator does not mean you can object any time you want. Don’t you know mahal kong Kampeon was an esteemed member of the House of Representatives?
VP Grace: What? The President had the lowest attendance record in the history of Philippine legislature!
Pres. Pac-Man: Only because I did not want to learn bad habits, Grace. Next.
Dionisia Dapidran-Pacquiao, Minister of Cultural Affairs: Hello, my favorite son!
Pres. Pac-Man: Call me Champion, you know.
Pres. Pac-Man: Both of you, go back to your corners. I was born in Mindanao, you know, I speak Visayan, and own many houses in exclusive villages in Luzon. I am the Total Filipino. Wait, I mean I am the Phoenix Filipino. My mother only wants what is best for her children, the Filipino people, like Imelda before her. Plus, my mother is more beautiful than Imelda.
Minister Mommy D: Champion, I will make sure that the entire population will worship the Lord as either members of The Word for Everyone Movement Inc. or as Catholics so that they will see the Light like the way it shines on my face.
VP Grace: Mr. President! Imposing religion on the populace will curtail their cultural freedom! Besides, ours is a presidential not parliamentary system of government.
Sec. Mommy D: You listen to me, miss. Chavit will already put your picture in his wallet. Do you also want me to hold your picture then point at you with bad intentions? Ask Timothy how that worked out for him...
Pres. Pac-Man: Both of you, go back to your corners. I was born in Mindanao, you know, I speak Visayan, and own many houses in exclusive villages in Luzon. I am the Total Filipino. Wait, I mean I am the Phoenix Filipino. My mother only wants what is best for her children, the Filipino people, like Imelda before her. Plus, my mother is more beautiful than Imelda. I mean more beautiful inside. As in, as a person. I’m talking about her soul, you know. Anyway, next cabinet secretary.
Frederick Steven "Freddie" Roach, Secretary of Health: Champ, I will build boxing gyms in every barrio to proactively promote health and positive values among the youth to keep them away from drugs. You see, my brother Pepper was bedeviled by this scourge...
Sec. Bob: Oh, shut up already Freddie. If I haven’t understood a single word you’ve said in years, why do you think any of these jabronis can?
Sec. Buboy: Champion, the US Ambassador to the Philippines is here for a courtesy call.
Pres. Pac-Man: Floyd! You are the new US Ambassador?
Floyd Mayweather Jr., US Ambassador to the Philippines: That’s right, dawg! Told that bitch Hillary no one knows Filipinos better than Money Mayweather.
Pres. Pac-Man: But you once said we all eat sushi.
Ambassador Floyd: That’s my point, nigga! Money spent years pushing your Flip buttons so dat y’all would find me odious. Then after our fight, Money decided to be the bigger guy and not pursue a rematch, just so you raw-fish-eating AzNs could prolong your delirium. You know, though, like the whole world do, dat those blind muthas that call themselves judges should have given me, The Best Ever—TBE, baby!—the decision.
Pres. Pac-Man: But, Floyd... I knocked you out in the eleventh round. You were unconscious like me with Marquez.
Ambassador Floyd: I got a rematch clause, bitch! And I got diplomatic immunity! I made you! I made you and your cheating ass the fucking president!
Pres. Pac-Man: Buboy, have the Presidential Security Group escort this man back to his embassy. Next!
James Christian "Jimmy" Kimmel, Presidential Spokesperson: Howya doing, Champ? I have every intention of effectively disseminating information to the Filipino public in a factual and responsible manner with my usual kickass wry delivery. So how about you, me, and Bob “adjourn”—gawd, how I now so love that word—to the nearest karaoke so I can explain how I plan to dispense my sworn duty? Then the geezer can give us all the lurid details of what happened in that Philippine Village suite before he croaks.
Sec. Bob: Fuck you, Kimmel.
Pres. Pac-Man: Hahahahahaha, you two are my favorite cabinet secretaries! Also you, Minister Mommy.
VP Grace: Good grief.
Sec. Bob: What did the doll say?
Pres. Pac-Man: Don’t mind her, Uncle Bob. I will make her the Chairman of the Housing and Urban Development Coordinating Council soon.
Sec. Bob: Hey, Cham-peen... is it true they really don’t have “My Way” in the karaoke machines over here?
Sec. Jimmy: Jeezus, Bob. You’re older than the steam engine.
Pres. Pac-Man: Jimmy, you know I love you, but if you ever blaspheme again in front of me, I will tell Chavit to introduce you to Max.
Sec. Bob: That sounded very presidential of you, Cham-peen.
Pres. Pac-Man: I know, right?