Ask Esquire: Help—What Do I Do About The Sweat Down My Butt Crack

It's all downhill from here.

We're going to make this a quick one. At a fancy party, we were thrown this bomb: “Help—What do I do with a sweaty bum?” 

This phenomenon, which we now know more about thanks to our suited question-asker and Encyclopedia de Internet, has a formal name: Swamp Ass. It is when you sweat so much in the southern hemisphere (or, in our case, right on the damn equator) that it pools down the crevice of your butt crack, causing discomfort, shame, a stain on your reputation, and maybe a stain on your underwear.

Do you know it? Have you experienced it?

We don't want to call the situation by its formal name, because we are a very legit outfit that only examines precious things such as navel doo-doo, puffy nips, and funky socks

Let's use this euphemism instead: Patootie Splash. 

Now, we have not had the pleasure of contracting a case of Patootie Splash ourselves, but we do know that some people are excessive sweaters. We remember this college classmate who sweat so much that mere proximity to him was like being caught in a gentle rainshower. The scientific term for that is hyperhidrosis. Our school bud may require a consulation with the doctor. Also, he must have Patootie Splash. 

But if you are the regular kind of sweater, as in your sweat is triggered by a rise in body temperature or a rise in panic, the solutions are easier.  

Naturally, you should keep cool 

And naturally, choose clothes made of natural fibers like lightweight cotton and linen as these will allow air to flow around your sweaty sack of a body. They also absorb moisture, sucking it away from your body and into itself, which—if there is a lot of sweat—can lead to dreaded sweat marks. Linen dries faster.  


Another tip is to skip the coffee, which, aside from waking you from a the stupor of fatigue, also increases body temperature. You don't want that. Instead, load up on cooling water. You want that.

Choose sweat-wicking underwear

But down there, opt out of cotton, which, with its powers of moisture absorption, will only exacerbate Patootie Splash. Instead, reach for high-performance, tech-infused underwear that releases heat and wicks away wetness. And if you think they are less comforting than the soft touch of cotton, performance underwear actually feels good—light, doesn't cause chafing, and, most important for this particular problem, always dry.  

Powder like a baby

One more thing: You can be a baby again... and powder up (or down). Powder absorbs moisture, keeping your jewels and crevice dry. If you're one of those crunchy all-natural fellows or just want to save coin, the kitchen remedy is cornstarch. There are also many dedicated solutions in the market now, because wet butt has affected men ever since they discovered the sun.

The only downside is that the application is messy. Nevertheless, it works, so feel free to powder away! Just don't ask mom to do it for you like she used to.  

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Clifford Olanday
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