The UK's Love Island has clearly tried to 'mix things up' this year. We've curly-haired 'spiritual' yogi Eyal —the sort of guy that thinks a lump of quartz can clear up a UTI. There's unloved doctor Alex—because the NHS can definitely afford to lose another junior practitioner to foreign lands. And don't forget Danny Dyer's daughter: the wonderfully named Dani Dyer.
An eclectic cast, for sure. But sadly, the wardrobe remains very much the same. Lots of flammable fabrics, lots of suffocated muscles, and lots of suspiciously smooth foreheads. See every style crime you can expect this year below.
Very Short Shorts
Every man should know that the perfect short finishes above the knee, but below the mid-thigh. But Love Island folk aren't your every men. They're a breed with an almost pious dedication to the gym, and they want you to know how many hours they've clocked with very short shorts indeed.
And why not? When you've thighs that could crush a Ford KA, you're well within your rights to show them off. Just don't be surprised if you receive a court summons for indecent exposure.
Full Sleeve Tatts
Tattoos, by their very nature, should not follow trends. They're scarred upon your skin for life, and what was cool in 2003 won't always remain so. Remember the 'tribal' thing? Exactly.
Well, try telling that to the Islanders. Previous contestants like Alex Bowen and Sam Gowland boasted full sleeves or chests of religious iconography, and 2018 is no different. We refer you to funny guy Niall's angel wing-tinged arms. Though fair play for the Hermione Granger wand tattoo. Get what you love and all that.
Though the muscles may have swelled, the clothing has notably shrunk. Muscle fit—a size that was once known as 'too small' —does exactly what it says on the tin, shrinking down on fabric to emphasise creatine-addled mass.
Again, if we'd spent our entire adult lives lifting/posting lifting vids on Instagram, we'd be more than proud too. Less so the plunging V-neck in purposefully ripped khaki jersey.
Slimmer jeans can be flattering, drawing attention to your pins for that coveted upside-down triangle shape. But the jeans of Love Island aren't slim fit. They're dying of starvation.
Take Geordie adonis Adam. All through episode one he was the man to fear. Then he stepped out to deliver the episode's cliffhanger in a pair of retina-scorching, quad-strangling super skinny jeans and became, instantly, the man to laugh at.
Okay, so we get the point of muscle fit: you're hench, and you want those DMs to slide on in. But longline? What on Earth is longline possibly for?
And we're not just talking a longer sleeve either. We mean the borderline maternity smock longline, the sort you could probably wear without trousers and still keep your manhood out of sight. Whatever the reason, it's ghastly, and will do no favours for any men—even those attractive enough to score an ITV2 gig.
This story originally appeared on Esquire.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.