Ask Esquire: Do You Think She Minds That I Have Weird Body Hair?
Comedian Ali Wong in her Netflix special Baby Cobra spreads the good word about the sexiness of Asian men, in particular her Filipino-Japanese husband. “They got no body hair from the neck down,” she says. “It’s like making love to a dolphin. Oh, my God. It’s so smooth, just like a slip and slide.”
In contrast, when she does the deed with Jewish men (before meeting her seal husband, we presume), it’s, well, here’s what she says: “...your body is all fucked up afterwards. It’s all red and inflamed and you’re like, ‘I did not ask to be exfoliated today.’”
Got this from the team, who got this from a friend, who got this from a friend: “Hey Esquire, what should I do with the weird hair not on my head, but down there and everywhere. Should I just shave it all off or keep it? I think it’s okay to have a lot of hair, but my wife is… quiet. I am asking for a friend.”
Okay, Asking For A Hirsute Friend, here’s the deal: Hair is natural, so it’s okay to have it. If you got a patch, a tuft, a strip, or a rug of hair on the unseen parts of your body, that is the way that God and nature made you. Love it.
Now, consider this: We want women (and other people) to love us, too.
If it were just up to us, we would let our natural coating of sweater fur grow wild. The weed-like hair on our bellies looks fine—awesome, in a hibernating mammal sort of way, even!
But an abundance of body hair can be a turn off. Nothing is more attractive than talking to a man with needles of hair poking out of his nose holes, and, as Ali points out, nothing is more romantic than get rubbed red because of carpet burn.
Point is: Manage errant body hair, not for your sake, but for her and the rest of the world.
The Junkity Junk
Now, the question becomes should you go full seal or just do a trim?
As with all things, including double-shot vodkas, yam pancakes, and body parts with weird hair, the best course of action is moderation.
On your love area, you want to stay away from the cloudy bush look, but also steer clear of porno territory. Going nuclear on your pubes is a choice, and that choice says, “I want to look like I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Also, if you deforest your groin, you’ll have to do it everywhere else, because a smooth middle connected to other hairy parts looks weird.
More important, most women don’t like that manicured look.
A reasonable trim that gets hair out of the way of your stuff is best. When you've arrived at a good level of presentation (looks bigger) and courtesy (for her), stop.
And use a dedicated tool please. Don’t use the razor you use on your face pubes on your actual pubes. That’s gross.
That Place Where The Sun Doesn’t Shine
We leave it to you if you want to annihilate the pesky hair growing on the strip under your jewels. Some men like to do it because they are completists (might as well do it, right?). Some men like to do it because a bare undercarriage improves hygiene and comfort. Some men just have a lot of time on their hands.
Hair erupting from the nose and ears, living on the expanse of the back, and growing on shoulders have to go.
Use a tiny pair of scissors made for nose hairs (the kinds with rounded edges) or, if you are fancy person, a nose and ear hair trimmer.
For the back and shoulders, shave with an electric razor, have it waxed, or if you are a fancy person, laser it off. If it’s just a stupid stray on your shoulder, remove with a tweezer (but ouch!).
That Place Where Your Wife Lays Her Head On
We’re talking about your chest and stomach, and these, if overgrown or aggressive, need a delicate level of trimming: not too short as to create tiny needles that will hurt her.
Now would be a good time to reiterate that important lesson about manscaping sense: Stay within the same neighborhood of hair density on your groin, chest, and stomach.
Those Hair Sleeves and Hair Pants
Mess with your arms and legs only if you are very bothered by a coat of crazy hair. Again, unless you are a body builder or some kind of professional who needs that seal look for work, do only a trim. Toe and feet hair can all go though.
That Place You Don’t Think About
Armpit hair? Don’t shave it off. Your pits will get cold! The rule is: Trim the bits that stick out your arm when its positioned on your sides (or when your arms are down). As well, manage ends poking out of the baby tees you love to wear.
The Tools And Methods
1. Even the most casual digging about manscaping will bring up this perennial favorite: the Philips Norelco Bodygroom. Advanced models both trim and shave. The trimmer allows for various hair lengths so you can get the precise look you want (just a hint? a natural hirsute expression?), while the shaver removes hair with, they say, one pass.
2. There are accessible options from the Bodygroom family (available in your local personal care stores), too. The most basic model comes with only one shaving guard, which means just one (very short) length for a trim. Nevertheless, it does the job better and faster than doing it with a razor.
3. Speaking of razors: This takes forever if you are blessed with a great amount of treasure fur. Use accordingly.
4. Or you can get waxed.
But you’ll have to overcome the awkwardness brought about having a stranger handle your body parts.
And, if against our advice, you go for boyzilian, a full-on wax down there, you’ll need to throw away all shame and just let your groomer stretch and move your bits and bobs.
Actually, you will forget about the weirdness because of the pain. Which is heavenly.