Ask Esquire: How Do I Fix My Tired Face?
Here’s a perfect question for the weekend: “Why does everyone ask if I’m okay? How do I fix my tired-looking face? (I swear I’m not dying.)”
Well, Tired Person we call that Friday Face. Have you heard of it?
Nope? No one?
We just made it up right now! Friday Face is the thing that happens when your skin looks like it’s melting away.
It usually happens on, uh, Fridays and can be identified by skin’s resemblance to the do-not-touch grime of a gas station’s convenience store floor mixed with the crusty dullness of cold, leftover pizza.
You see, Monday is when you look most human and, dare we say, handsome, as you’ve just come from the slow and happy leisures of the weekend. Wednesday is when things start to crack. Running from zero to 100 for the labors of the workweek takes a toll. Friday is when things fall apart completely. There’s no hiding the bags under your eyes that look like well-used Rimowa luggages now!
“Can this be avoided?” you ask.
Yes, yes! Just quit your job!
“But I have to pay the bills,” you say.
Poor you. Okay. Keep the job and do this: Mitigate the ill effects of lots of stress and lack of sleep with good grooming.
Below, a couple of quick tips on how to save your face.
1| If you think the grooming is not part of the being a man, please don’t show your face in public.
2| You should really know the basics by now: C-T-M-P. That’s cleanse, tone, moisturize, protect.
3| Don’t use the soap you use on your armpits on your face. Gross.
4| If the skin on your face feels squeaky tight after washing, the stuff your using is bad. Try this.
5| Actually, a cleansing oil is good, too. Oil dissolves oil (the gunk on your face).
6| Advanced move: Beautiful People advise washing your face twice. That’s an oil cleanser followed by a regular foaming cleanser. It gets everything off.
7| It’s okay to try the pots on your wife’s side of the counter. That’s the gateway to grooming anyway.
8| Also, she has the good stuff.
9| Notice how grooming companies switch up the names of products just to make you feel better. (We do it, too). So call a bottle of toner a bottle of water. Just use it.
10| Loss of water in your skin makes you look crusty. Don’t skip the moisturizer.
11| The sun’s UV rays lead to old skin. Don’t skip the sunscreen.
12| No, they're not like chalky prisons anymore. There are sunscreens that appear invisible and feel comforting just like moisturizers.
13| Wear even on cloudy and rainy days. Sun rays are invisible.
14| We’ll let famous director Baz Luhrmann talk up sunscreen (and other things) some more.
15| On that note, bring an umbrella on sunny days.
16| If you can’t be bothered, wear a cap.
17| Eye creams? Well, they moisturize, but only a very few can soften the darkness or depuff the poofiness.
18| You’ll need to visit a dermatologist if you want more effective solutions for dead-tired eyes.
19| For really terrible days, do a mask. They’re like a double shot of moisture for skin.
20| Don’t bother with wash-off masks. Do a sheet mask. Put on, leave on, take off. Done.
21| While wearing a sheet mask, read a book.
22| Advanced move: Exfoliate with face acids. These dig out gunk or slough away dead skin for softer and smoother texture.
23| Advanced move: Vitamin C chases away that gloomy look by brightening skin. Also, helpful for the corpses of zits.
24| Buy your own grooming products like a man.
25| Walk up to the store, zero in on what you need, and go.
26| No, the salesperson isn’t judging you. She just wants to sell you stuff.
27| Or order online.
28| Don’t make a fuss about your grooming regimen.
29| Don't stare at your face in the mirror until you grow roots.
30| Ask your wife about skincare. She will know a lot about it. (Or us.)
31| The easiest fix is free. It’s called sleep.
32| Of course, turn off the laptop and put down the phone, dummy.
33| Actually, put the laptop and phone on a shelf faraway from the bed.
34| Can’t sleep? Melatonin supplements help.
35| Cut down on sugar, which, studies show, is bad for skin.
36| Not saying you shouldn’t eat that cake later. Just don’t overdo sugar, dairy, wine, anything.
37| Wrinkles are really fine. They’re reminders that, despite rumors, you are human.
38| Count yourself lucky because, on men, wrinkles can translate to wisdom and dignity.
39| But looking like your at death’s door when it's just another Friday is never okay.