Grooming

The Facial Hair in 'Avengers: Infinity War,' Ranked From Acceptable to Egregious

Tony, put down the razor.
IMAGE Marvel
Comments

The latest film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe may be very, very good—but the facial hair is very, very bad. For some reason, most of the super dudes in Avengers: Infinity War have a real knack for terrible beards, goatees, sideburns, and more. Seriously, what the hell was Tony Stark thinking? Luckily, there are some bright spots, like Captain America's world-weary shag and T'challa's impressively groomed beard. Here's all the facial hair in Infinity War, ranked from the best to the downright stupidest. 

13. Captain America 


The whole "fugitive from the American government" thing looks good on Captain Steve Rogers. The full beard gets our emphatic stamp of approval. 

.

12. Heimdall 


ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW

His appearance is brief, but his beard looks great. Nicely done, sir. 

.

11. T'challa/Black Panther 


The man knows how to navigate an impressively boxed beard without veering into chin-strap territory. 

.

10. Thor 


Turns out the God of Thunder has a bit less follicular coverage than some of his teammates—his beard is a little patchy. It still looks good, though. 

ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW

.

9. Falcon 


All due points for being able to edge that perfectly manicured—almost too manicured—goatee. 

.

8. Bucky Barnes 


The onetime winter soldier is going with the brooding stubble beard. It's not bad—the other guys who precede him were just more committed to the cause. 

.

7. Rocket Raccoon 

ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW


C'mon. We had to. The guy is all facial hair. But he could use a shape-up. 

.

6. Peter Quill/Star-Lord 


What is with those bizarrely angular sideburns? I know the guy likes a '70s vibe, but that's just wrong. 

.

5. The Collector 


ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW

Strike one: the tattooed soul patch. Strike two: another set of idiotic sideburns. Why does this keep happening? 

.

4. Vision 


It's not actually facial hair. And you could say it's part of a headpiece. But we're calling that thing on his chin a robot soul patch. Unacceptable. 

.

3. Thanos 


ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW

This is another cheat. But Thanos' chin! In the movie, Star-Lord says it looks like a nutsack. We're calling it a skin goatee. Both are gross. 

.

2. Doctor Strange 


Coming down the home stretch, it's Stephen Strange and his magician's goatee. Guy might be an actual master of magic, but this makes him look like a guy who does rope tricks for toddlers.  

.

1. Tony Stark 


ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOW

How can a billionaire/ genius/ superhero have such a blind spot for overly sculpted facial hair? Nothing connects, it's all too precious, and it looks like it'd take a half-hour each morning to maintain. Hard pass. 

This story originally appeared on Esquire.com. Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.

Comments
View More Articles About:
About The Author
Jonathan Evans
View Other Articles From Jonathan
Comments
Latest Feed
 
Share
Details are scarce, but Vince Gilligan is returning to write and direct.
 
Share
The Pilot Watch Mark XVIII features stripped-down good looks and a case made of an entirely new material.
 
Share
Say goodbye to your 9-5 with advice from someone who's living the dream
 
Share
Captain America and Iron Man look very, very different
 
Share
It aims to be the prime app for first time Internet users.
 
Share
The rising business tycoon from Davao plans to raise P18.5 billion from the offering.
 
Share
It's the first time athletes will receive international sporting medals for competitive video gaming.
 
Share
Esquire takes the Ghibli out for a quick spin
 
Share
Load More Articles
Connect With Us