Grooming

The Facial Hair in 'Avengers: Infinity War,' Ranked From Acceptable to Egregious

Tony, put down the razor.
IMAGE Marvel
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The latest film in the Marvel Cinematic Universe may be very, very good—but the facial hair is very, very bad. For some reason, most of the super dudes in Avengers: Infinity War have a real knack for terrible beards, goatees, sideburns, and more. Seriously, what the hell was Tony Stark thinking? Luckily, there are some bright spots, like Captain America's world-weary shag and T'challa's impressively groomed beard. Here's all the facial hair in Infinity War, ranked from the best to the downright stupidest. 

13. Captain America 


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The whole "fugitive from the American government" thing looks good on Captain Steve Rogers. The full beard gets our emphatic stamp of approval. 

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12. Heimdall 


His appearance is brief, but his beard looks great. Nicely done, sir. 

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11. T'challa/Black Panther 


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The man knows how to navigate an impressively boxed beard without veering into chin-strap territory. 

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10. Thor 


Turns out the God of Thunder has a bit less follicular coverage than some of his teammates—his beard is a little patchy. It still looks good, though. 

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9. Falcon 


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All due points for being able to edge that perfectly manicured—almost too manicured—goatee. 

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8. Bucky Barnes 


The onetime winter soldier is going with the brooding stubble beard. It's not bad—the other guys who precede him were just more committed to the cause. 

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7. Rocket Raccoon 


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C'mon. We had to. The guy is all facial hair. But he could use a shape-up. 

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6. Peter Quill/Star-Lord 


What is with those bizarrely angular sideburns? I know the guy likes a '70s vibe, but that's just wrong. 

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5. The Collector 


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Strike one: the tattooed soul patch. Strike two: another set of idiotic sideburns. Why does this keep happening? 

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4. Vision 


It's not actually facial hair. And you could say it's part of a headpiece. But we're calling that thing on his chin a robot soul patch. Unacceptable. 

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3. Thanos 


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This is another cheat. But Thanos' chin! In the movie, Star-Lord says it looks like a nutsack. We're calling it a skin goatee. Both are gross. 

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2. Doctor Strange 


Coming down the home stretch, it's Stephen Strange and his magician's goatee. Guy might be an actual master of magic, but this makes him look like a guy who does rope tricks for toddlers.  

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1. Tony Stark 


How can a billionaire/ genius/ superhero have such a blind spot for overly sculpted facial hair? Nothing connects, it's all too precious, and it looks like it'd take a half-hour each morning to maintain. Hard pass. 

This story originally appeared on Esquire.com. Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.

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