Today we come baring some sad and disturbing news regarding Orlando Bloom, he of Legolas, Pirates of the Caribbean, and naked paddle boarding with Katy Perry fame: He has quite clearly been abducted and replaced with some sort of peculiar, bearded replicant.
Proof, along with Eminem and his drawn-on mascara beard, that not every male face is made instantly more rugged or refined by a couple of weeks sparing the razor, Bloom suffers from a frustrating lack of coverage, making his new beard look less like an actual beard and more like a goatee with ideas above its station.
Much like receding hairlines and the slow expansion of a waistline, the first step to rectifying an issue like this is acceptance. Acceptance that your beard doesn't cover your cheeks and acceptance that if you've got more hair growing down your neck than anywhere else on your face, then it's probably not a grooming move for you.
It's okay not to be able to grow a beard, Fake Orlando. We promise it's okay.
This story originally appeared on Esquire.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.