Your Ex Is Getting Married Ahead of You? Here's Some Advice From the Truly Rich Lady

Dear Truly Rich Lady:

My ex is getting married next week. These are the things that I am feeling: I am shocked to find out that he has found someone else to finally settle down with and I am little disappointed that I am not invited to his wedding.

What do I do now? More precisely, what is the right thing to do when you find out that you are not invited to the wedding of your ex, but you desperately want to go, because you just want to see what happens? Promise. I just want to see it with my own eyes. (And by “it,” I mean the girl.)

Yours,

Truly Shocked Lady

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Dear Truly Shocked Lady, 

After praying about the mysterious rash on my left toe, consulting with an expert on knives about the best way to peel a banana, and then listening to the wisdom of this thing called common sense, I now present a list of things you should consider:

1. On the matter of attending the wedding of your ex, the right and decent thing to do is to not go.

2. But I sense we are beyond “right” and “decent,” seeing as you cannot imagine your ex-boyfriend being in bliss with someone other than yourself. I now quote my Truly Rich Mother: “Move on.”

3. Are you mad or sad? This is fine. Other people strongly advice acknowledging your feelings in full. Being mad or sad is valid, and perhaps you have not had enough time to get things out of your system. But if it has been three, seven, or nine years since your break up, please consult a professional. Or call my Truly Rich Mother.

4. Before the wedding, do not trick a friend into reciting to you all the details on the invitation over the phone. It is desperate.

5. But I’m sure you already did, and so now you find yourself in the hellscape of knowing everything. That wedding venue was supposed to be your wedding venue! The theme, “Midnight Flower, was your theme! The priest is your family priest! How dare he! In this scenario, knowledge is not power. It is pain.

6. Do not plot about pulling a dramatic scene, in which you fling open the doors of the cathedral and scream, “Stop this nonsense!” Do not also think you can execute an elaborate plan to steal back your man in four days. You are not Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding. Do not even joke about it. People will be concerned about your mental health. They are already talking.

7. On the day of the wedding, do not message friends and ask for a live report with photos and videos.

8. But I’m sure you already conscripted a loyal friend to send updates. And now you are crying because one photo is captioned, “He looks so happy. They are so happy!”

9. When your embedded reporter stops sending messages, do not seek other guests and fish for details. They don’t care about you because they are eating croquembouche. Also, it is not your day today.

10. After the wedding, do not wish the couple well or wish them ill. Just do not think about them. The ring is on her finger. The house is being constructed. They’re probably in Bali, Bora Bora, or Anguilla (making a baby). It’s over.

11. Okay, there will be times you will think about him. You just finished Under the Tuscan Sun, and you remembered a foolish dream of moving to Tuscany, refurbishing an old house, and growing old together surrounded by golden light. He promised!

You are now looking out the window, thinking of what could have been, but before you fall into a spiral of despair, remember this: There is someone out there who is perfectly meant for you. Also, you are objectively more beautiful than his new girl.