The Truly Rich Lady's Alternative Endings to Game of Thrones For All the Haters
Contrary to popular belief, I like all the modern pastimes, including television or what the kids call now, streaming (watching TV is apparently extinct).
In particular, I am up to speed with the TV event of our lifetime, Game of Thrones, and, in fact I have been watching since the first episode aired in 2011.
Shocked? It is but natural that I watched this fantasy anthology, because it is a story about schemes and thrones, wealthy families who try to do outdo one another, very old bloodlines, and bastards who turn out to be royal! It is as if I am watching my life, my Truly Rich World. If I were in Thrones, I would be Cecily, the Fair, of House Brightstar. Our words would be, “All The Best,” our sigil would be the Medusa Head, and our Valyrian sword would be called “Manners.”
I am a big fan, and that is why I decided to suggest alternative endings for everyone who refused to believed that what aired this week was the official version. To satisfy your selfish hearts, here are amendments on the ending of Game of Thrones.
Scenario No. 1
Amid the destruction of King's Landing, Jamie Lannister finds his way into that room with the map on the floor in the Red Keep. A strong-willed Cersei Lannister refuses to concede to the Dragon Queen, even if her city is literally burning to the ground. When she sees her brother-lover (eww), her face softens. She wraps her arms around Jamie. “Oh, Jamie, I, Cersei of House Lannister am so happy to see you. Kiss me.” Jamie plants a... dagger into her heart, and then removes his skin mask. It is Arya Stark. And they live happily ever after.
Scenario No. 2
Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen are making out in the open-air throne room of the Red Keep. Jon is bored and Daenerys is so into it. They exchange sweet nothings. She giggles like a school girl. They tickle each other. Daenerys asks Jon, her nephew, to marry her, his aunt, so they can rule the Seven Kingdoms together. He says, “Sure.”
They pull off the most tasteful wedding ever. The ceremony is overlong, but no one complains because she has a dragon. The food is exquisite—traditional pigeon pie, Arbor Gold, direwolf bread, etcetera. The ladies bring out their finest jewelry and the men mostly keep their pants on. Everybody cries when they say their vows (“I promise not to burn you alive”). And they live happily ever after.
Scenario No. 3
Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen are making out in the open-air throne room of the Red Keep. Jon is bored and Daenerys is so into it. They exchange sweet nothings. She giggles like a school girl. He rolls his eyes. Jon is barely making an effort. A dark shadow engulfs the vast hall, and before Jon can react he finds himself in the belly of Drogon. And they live happily ever after.
Scenario No. 4
A large crowd of survivors, burn victims, Unsullied, Dothraki, and Northmen watch as Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen have a heated and very public discussion about how to rule the Seven Kingdoms. Dany wants to free more kingdoms by “fire and blood.” Jonny wants to not do that anymore. They are at each other's throat. Dany reminds Jon that she has this thing called a dragon. “Jon, I have a dragon,” she says. “I don't care about your dragon. I care about the people of the.... Aaaaarrggh.” Drogon spits out a stream of fire onto Jon. The fire engulfs him instantly. He dies. And they live happily ever after.
Scenario No. 5
A large crowd of survivors, burn victims, Unsullied, Dothraki, and Northmen watch as Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen have a heated and very public discussion about how to rule the Seven Kingdoms. Dany wants to free more kingdoms by “fire and blood.” Jonny wants to not do that anymore. They are at each other's throat. Dany reminds Jon that she has this thing called a dragon. “Jon, I have a dragon,” she says. “I don't care about your dragon. I care about the people of the.... Aaaaarrggh.” Drogon spits out a stream of fire onto Jon. The fire engulfs him instantly.
Then, he steps out of the flames, naked but unburned. It is a miracle! Someone from the crowd shouts, “It is a miracle! Wow!” Still another proclaims, “He is unburned! He is also a Targaryen.” Jon says, “Yep.” They ship off Daenerys to Dragonstone and Jon becomes the King of the Seven Kingdoms. And they live happily ever after.
Scenario No. 6
Somewhere north of The Wall, a body materializes out of thin, cold air. It is the Night King. “I'm baaaack!” he says to no one. And so he makes new friends, reanimating the corpses buried under the snow. He makes many new friends, giants and monsters included, until he is happy. “I need to make more new friends, so I will become very happy,” he says.
He travels south of The Wall. With the Stark army in King's Landing, the Night King meets no resistance. He reaches King's Landing and freaks out Cersei, who dies instantly of a heart attack, but is brought back to life as a mindless zombie. The Night King spreads his snow magic, from Winterfell to the Reach and beyond in no time. Winter is not coming. It is here. And they live happily every after.
Scenario No. 7
Bran Stark, the Three-Eyed Raven, wipes the dumb look off his face and decides to do something. He travels back in time to that point where it all started. He sees his young self approaching one of the towers of Winterfell. He forces young Bran to not climb the tower by whacking him in the head. Young Bran does not catch Cersei and Jaimie in flagrante delicto that day. All the Starks stay in Winterfell. And they live happily ever after.
