Today I Learned: The One Leadership Trait Toxic Bosses Don’t Understand
A corporate trainer reflects on two decades of experience, and why kindness remains one of the most underrated leadership skills.
Published on Mar 10, 2026
As a freelance training consultant, I conduct training programs for private companies and government agencies.
A few years ago, I ran a week-long training on selling skills and leadership behaviors for a multinational European company. I was briefed by the HR manager about their one major problem—the entire team hated the head of sales. The reason was rather straightforward—the guy, in the words of the HR manager, was an asshole.
I was able to validate the dislike from the first two days of the program. Even when the head of sales contributed rich insights, none of the participants agreed with nor commented on his ideas. The participants, however, became more engaged in the discussions when other people recited. I also observed how they avoided the head of sales outside the plenary.
On Day 3 of the training, I talked about the importance of kindness in the workplace. I shared an international business survey where employees were asked what trait they look for in a leader. Among the top answers that emerged was kindness. I was hoping the message got through him.
Imagine my disappointment when I heard him during the coffee break telling the sales team “Ano’ng gusto ng trainer natin, habang pinapagalitan ko kayo, nakangiti ako?” He then added in a mocking tone, “Hoy, bakit hindi kayo tumatarget? Ayan, naka-smile ako, ha. Kahit na galit ako.” He then laughed, and the others mirrored him, but with laughter that was obviously contrived.
He missed the point. Totally. Badly. Another case of a leader who has doomed himself to be a cautionary tale, the type that everyone should avoid becoming.
In my two decades of corporate experience and consultancy, I have met, worked with and for, and interacted with leaders and business owners like him, those who the moment they arrive in the office instantly make employees religious and say under their collective breaths, “Oh my God. Andito na siya.” These leaders consider being feared as a badge of honor.
I once worked under a boss who literally caused me nightmares and made me dread every waking moment because it meant another day of being subjected to her different methods of mental torture.
They are the fault-finders, unable to see what is good in their people because their instinct is to criticize and see the worst in them. They then justify their actions and lack of empathy as simply a case of tough love.
They are the leaders who regard being nice as tantamount to being soft. Always ready to pull the trigger, they come loaded with nasty things to spit out, like when a friend of mine angrily told his colleague who was lower than him in the organizational hierarchy “Taga-sagot ka lang ng phone. Kaya andyan ka lang hanggang ngayon.” That person, by the way, has ceased to be my friend.
What kind of workplaces have we built when leaders equate kindness with weakness? What kind of society have we become when people view being kind as a vulnerability, as a sign of a bad leader?
Showing kindness as a leader does not mean not getting angry or not reprimanding subordinates. The ability to remain unfazed even under pressure and to push people to consistently deliver exemplary results are the sine qua non of effective leadership. A good boss can be all these, yet still show concern for people. It is no rocket science. It merely entails being a decent person who treats people as human beings.
But kindness alone does not make a good manager. Genuine kindness also requires competency where the leader constantly equips himself or herself with the right knowledge and skills that will help him develop people to also become better in their work. Some leaders measure their value by how well-liked they are and how much time they spend with people outside of work or talking about non-work matters. Goodwill and friendship alone will not cut it in a highly competitive workplace or market, both in the private sector and in the government. What people and the workplace need are knowledgeable leaders who also exhibit decency, ethics, and good human behaviors.
Every employee brings a unique story—his/her own idiosyncrasies, working style, experiences, aspirations, and reason/s for being. A leader who exemplifies compassion does not insulate himself/herself from the rest of the team, but goes out of the way to try to understand the context by which each member of the team behaves, works, and connects with others. This is how a leader can build a healthy culture in the workplace, by promoting a balance between professional and personal relationships.
I have witnessed leaders who are so “in-your-face,” as if they have a lighted taxi roof sign over their heads that screams “I Am In Charge” as a daily reminder to everyone. People already know you are the boss. What you need to display is the good sense to extend people the same courtesy and respect you wish to receive from them. Power and authority are never brandished by self-assured leaders. Only the insecure go around stomping like brats and telling everyone who cares enough to listen “I am the boss.”
Toxicity emanating from a leader will eventually spread across the entire team, making people constantly afraid and thus unable to realize their full potential.
A leader’s kindness is also infectious. It is the seed from which springs a positive environment, one where employees perform at their optimum and lift each other up.
The workplace already brings with it relentless pressure to deliver the numbers, to churn out quality output, and to efficiently implement projects. Along with the pressure is the stress—some real, some imagined, some magnified, some self-induced. Kindness then becomes both a responsibility and a necessity, especially for those in the position to shape the culture that will define the organization.
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