A Tactical Guide to Avoiding Children on the Disney Adventure Cruise

"I don't like kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid."

No words truer were ever spoken than by Daria, the titular character in the 1997 American sitcom that ran on MTV back in simpler days. Just because I'm in the happiest place at sea, doesn't mean I have to spend it in enemy territory (a.k.a. toddlers running around with sticky fingers). Everything Disney, after all, is for all ages, including my seven-year-old inner child who's still crying about Mufasa's fall at the gorge.

So, how exactly can one enjoy the nostalgia and aesthetics of the Disney Adventure cruise without the soundtrack of a mid-buffet meltdown of an army of babies? The answer lies in treating the deck plan less like a vacation brochure and more like a tactical map for a high-stakes extraction mission. You have to move with purpose, staying one step ahead of the stroller brigades by identifying the ship's "dead zones" and strictly adult-exclusive spaces where the only bubbles in the air are the ones in your champagne glass. As the sea witch Ursula once famously declared while looking at a sea of less-than-desirable alternatives, "Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it?" and choosing to prioritize your own sanity over a late buffet breakfast is the easiest choice you'll make during a four- or three-night cruise to nowhere.

Disclaimer: This Daria went aboard the four-night Preview Sailing of Disney Adventure in the first week of March, ahead of the maiden voyage on March 10. It carried only a third of the maximum capacity of 6,700 passengers, which could be a bigger challenge.

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This is where the Disney Cruise Line Navigator App comes in. Everything you ever need on any Disney cruise is on that handy mobile app, whether you're planning your trip from home, checking in online while at the port, or, finally, reserving activities while onboard. Take note that it shows a different interface when you're on land and at sea, with the cruise schedule only showing up when you're connected to the ship's network.

The 'Characters' tab on the app reveals all the meet-and-greet sessions per day, whether it's Ariel at Fairytale Hall at 2:15 p.m. or Baymax at San Fransokyo at exactly 8 a.m. Unless you wish to take a snapshot with your favorite Disney characters growing up, best to avoid these places at those times, as the queues can be overstimulating.

Not because you're watching them.

While you're on the Disney Cruise Line Navigator App, you should also take note of all the other shows happening around the ship. The Avengers Assemble! at the Garden Stage in Disney Imagination Garden, for example, is a box-office hit among toddlers and teens. Can't blame them, Spider-Man rappelling from the upper deck to the stage is indeed a jaw-dropping stunt, and Black Widow "flying" six storeys above ground is just spectacular special effects. Having all eyes on the action-packed stage also means an empty San Fransokyo Street, where you can finally play video games at the Big Hero Arcade or enjoy a cup of iced specialty coffee from Alley Cat Cafe in peace.

Rotational dining is one of the unique things on all Disney Cruise Line ships. During check-in, passengers can choose between two time slots for dinner: 5:45 p.m. and 8:15 p.m., and that would be your schedule throughout the cruise. You'd be assigned a four- or six-seater table, which means you'll be seated with strangers, but these are strangers you'll also be grouped with on the next nights. The rotational dining experience allows everyone to experience all main themed restaurants by switching venues nightly while keeping the same serving team and table number.

"Our rotational dining is really something we're very proud of," said Daniel Cowan, Director for Dining Operations and Integration of the Disney Cruise Line, during a panel discussion on Day 1 of the Preview Sailing. "And this is unique to Disney. For many of you, I'm sure you'll be excited to try this for the first time. So, on our Disney ships, we have rotation dining where families can travel from dining room to dining room and experience three unique dining rooms. Some are entertainment-themed, for example, our Hollywood Spotlight Club or Navigator's Club; or it could be more technology-forward, like Animator's Palate or Animator's Table. And what I really love about this is that you have a dedicated service team who follow you from dining room to dining room. So while you're experiencing all the new concepts and entertainment, all the different things that you see, you have the comfort of a service team who know you, they know your likes, your dislikes. You really build a great connection together. They're here as part of your memories for the vacation. And really, we see some incredible relationships being built."

Obviously, choose the late-dining slot because that lessens the chances of having kids at the restaurant—they need to sleep after a very tiring day, after all. It's also a good schedule, especially if you wish to catch the 6 p.m. musicals and shows at the theater.

This is a vacation, and you deserve it.

Appropriately named Infinite Bliss Spa - Elemis at Spa, the ship's wellness center on Deck 10 is where you can unwind in an expansive rainforest-themed relaxation area. A day pass of U.S. $79 can get you access to the showers, heated loungers, aromatherapy steam room, and dry sauna. They also offer facials (U.S. $199-U.S. $249) and massages (U.S. $179-U.S. $599).

There's also a salon where you can get hair treatment, nail services, and even waxing, and a barber shop for "The Ultimate Men's Facial and Shave" for U.S. $179.

The adjacent fitness center can be accessed for free, but you can also get a personal trainer for U.S. $99 or sign up for three classes for U.S. $39. It also has a juice bar where you can get drinks for an additional fee, but they also serve free bananas and lemon-infused water.

Pools on the upper deck don't get crowded until 10 a.m., after everyone has had their breakfast. So if you're not too hungry yet (or if you can get room service ahead—it's free, by the way), head to the pools at 8 a.m. and take a dip while everything's still free of piss.

Disney Adventure has several of them, but the Infinity Pool tucked away at the ship’s stern on Marvel Landing (Deck 18) is probably the most suitable for adults. It's behind the Infinity Bar, has sweeping ocean views, and has no super-sized characters blowing water out of their mouths. The last one also means fewer tots around.

There are also hours when the pools are closed for maintenance. You can't use the pool, obviously, but the general area is more-or-less child-free, so take advantage of those moments.

Or you can wake up even before the dawn breaks to just get your run in at the upper deck and find out that your GPS (for a Strava record) actually gets wonky when moving on a moving object. (There's a physics problem set there somewhere.)

Also, since this isn't a casino cruise where the whole ship's alive 24/7, activities at the Disney Adventure cruise actually wind down, with most of the kids having a strict schedule for sleep. Don't worry about having nothing to do, though. As far as the adults are concerned, the onboard bars are still open until midnight.

As long as we’re talking about bars and adults-only restaurants, yes, they have those on board. Granted, these premium spaces are not inclusive in your cruise booking fees—unlike all-day buffets and rotational dining. But we all know exclusivity comes with a price tag.

Palo Trattoria on Deck 10, Aft, is an upscale restaurant that offers Northern Italian fare, plus steaks grilled to perfection. It also has a display of premium wine and a spruced-up bar. Open only to guests 18 years of age and older, the exclusive space is influenced by a celestial dream sequence from Luca, with all the moonlit accents and astronomy-inspired décor. It is open from 6 p.m. to 8:30 p.m.

Taverna Portorosso, which is right above Palo Trattoria, is a sports bar where you can catch a game and soak in ocean views. Its marble-like staircase culminates with a bright red Vespa parked inside, immersing you in a rustic neighborhood bar on the coast of Italy. It’s open for all ages during the day, but as soon as 9 p.m. strikes, all bets are off, and day-drinking is immediately transformed to all-night partying. Taverna Portorosso is open from 4:30 p.m. to 12 a.m.

Buccaneer Bar is a sports bar inspired by the devious Captain Hook from Peter Pan. It is on Deck 6 Aft, and is open from 6 p.m. to 12 a.m.

Spellbound, which is just beside Guest Services on the Town Square (Deck 6, Midship), is inspired by the enigmatic Evil Queen from the Disney classic Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Drinks are named after potions, making it perfect for that "choose your potion" line. It is open from 8 a.m. to 12 a.m.

The Marvel Style Studio (where kids can get Marvel-inspired hair, makeup, and costumes during the day) turns into a speakeasy in the evening, where there are only about 10 seats. It is located at Deck 6, Aft, and is open until 12 a.m.

Tiana’s Bayou Lounge is a more chill watering hole inspired by The Princess and the Frog. Enjoy mocktails, coffee, tea, and your favorite drinks while listening to Disney soundtracks on a violin. It is open from 7 a.m. to 12 a.m., and is located on Deck 5, Midship.

Other bars and lounges are the Garden Bar on Deck 11 (behind the huge Mickey-in-robes statue), Infinity Bar on Deck 18 (behind the Infinity Pool), and Market Bar on Deck 17 (near the Pixar Market Restaurant). These are open until 11 p.m. The Wayfinder Bar on Deck 10, Aft, is open until 12 a.m., although you can just lounge around the couches until whenever. The in-house DJ plays some beats until 11 p.m.

Remember: On the Disney Adventure cruise, the magic is real, the cocktails are strong, and the only inner child allowed to throw a tantrum is yours.

The Disney Adventure is already sailing from the Marina Bay Cruise Centre Singapore, with three- and four-night cruise dates available on the Disney Cruise Line website. Best available rate starts at P67,000++ for two, inclusive of accommodation (with in-room movies), access to kids clubs and fitness center, entertainment and activities (including fireworks at sea, live acts, and movie screenings); dining (table-service, quick-service, 24-hour room service, and unlimited coffee, tea, and soda); and taxes, fees, and port expenses.

Main photo courtesy of Disney Cruise Line

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