Forget About BDE—Let's Talk About HDE
It was Ariana Grande who did it.
Sure, there is definitely something to be said about the figurative meaning of Big Dick Energy—the raw sex appeal of a guy who oozes with self-confidence (to be differentiated from cockiness) and chutzpah, but there is also something be said about inches and literal big dicks.
And yet, bigger isn’t always better.
For centuries, women have talked about penis size, ahem, at length. We have blown up the dizzying goodness of a big dick but if you go deeper and ask a woman about what it all comes down to, hardness or length, she’ll most likely tell you: Go hard or go home.
As my friend The Foodie put it: When you’re hungry, you’ll eat either a hotdog or a burrito, but the burrito will be So. Much. More. Filling.
A shlong can be too long, but it can never be too hard. Lube (every girl’s best friend next to condoms) position and mindless arousal can certainly pave the way for a long dong, but sometimes a big dick brings little pricks of pain rather than pleasure. It’s the difference between nicely sliding it in there to poking it right into a woman’s cervix. Ouch.
My other friend, let’s call her The Omnipresent One, can’t get enough of hardness: “A big long dick is ok, but my god, a thick hard penis fills you with its presence,” she said with solemnity and adoration.
It’s kinda like womanity’s best kept secret: The harder the better. The makers of Viagra actually drew up an Erection Hardness Scale to show us how hard is hard. To wit:
What it is: Penis is completely hard and rigid.
What it’s like: Cucumber
Now, this kind of cockiness women like. This is Level 4 Big Dick Energy. The ballsy-est of them all. The champion of champions. A grade 4 erection has The Commander in Chief standing tall at attention, giving a snappy salute: At your service, ma’am. We aim and are ready please.
Oh, and if you're curious about the reference to the cucumber, next time you see one of them long greens, flick it with your thumb and forefinger. Feel how chipper it is when it thumps back and you’ll see why we think the grade 4 deserves a standing ovation.
What it is: Penis is hard enough for penetration but not completely hard.
What it’s like: Unpeeled banana
Sergeant Pecker is feeling randy and wants to come out to play. But he maybe feeling a little nervous so he’s keeping a little bit of himself to himself. You can still get some action with a grade 3 erection...but it may feel like something is missing (and you can’t exactly wrap your finger around it).
What it is: Penis is hard but not hard enough for penetration.
What it’s like: Peeled banana
Stiffy wants to charm the lady, he really does. He’s so earnest and full of hope, but he just can’t get the job done. A grade 2 erection feels like he’s kind of like it’s unsure of itself and can’t make up its mind. Maybe Stiffy's just having one of those bashful days, so don't beat yourself (or Stiffy) up about it.
What it is: Penis is large but not hard.
What it’s like: Tofu
Mr. Softee is oh-so-willing but he just can’t do it.
Of course, your boner can’t always be super-duper eager for beaver, but guys should know that a persistent deflated erection (read: erectile dysfunction) may be a sign of some other health risk like diabetes, high blood pressure or high cholesterol. As the old adage goes: If symptoms persist, see a doctor.
As for those unavoidable days when you suffer from some downtime, relax. The irresistible sexiness of Big Dick Energy rests in its confidence.
In the bedroom, when Mr. Happy can’t seem to try hard enough, bring out the other best sex toys to have on hand: enthusiasm and imagination. Then you can always improvise your way to your partner’s happiness.