I Had a Disagreement with My Boss and Now He’s Not Talking to Me. Should I Just Quit?

Brick by Brick is a new monthly column that helps professionals tackle the intricacies of workplace issues and answer questions about career growth and advancement. In this edition of Brick by Brick, our columnist responds to a letter-writer asking if a workplace argument with his supervisor that led to a fracture in their relationship is enough reason to quit his job. 

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Hi Esquire, 

I’ve been working at my company for almost 10 years now. It’s the local office of a multinational BPO.  I enjoy the job, and I believe I’m really good at it. Proof is that I moved up the ranks over the years and am now head of a small unit within a large department of the company. I also have a good working relationship with my co-workers—both my superiors and my subordinates. I’m in my late 30s and sometimes I think I might stay in this job for good and retire here. 

However, late last year, I had an incident with my immediate superior. Let’s just say he thought I did something wrong and issued a memo against me. I wrote back to defend myself and while the issue was eventually resolved, my relationship with my superior deteriorated to the point that we hardly even communicate except through email or during formal meetings. He doesn’t even acknowledge my presence when we see each other in the office. I don’t think the relationship can still be fixed, or, at least, I don’t think we can go back to how we were before the incident. Now I’m worried there’s no chance for me to move up and get promoted further. Because he is my direct supervisor, it’s up to him to endorse or reject any promotion recommendations. I heard from other officemates that he doesn’t even say anything when my name comes up during conversations, and that he has said some bad things about me to the higher-ups (VP and higher levels).

What do you think? Should I just suck it up and go about my daily work knowing I don’t have my superior’s vote of confidence anymore? Or is this a good enough reason to go look for another job? I’ve been having sleepless nights thinking about this.

AlexDR

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Dear AlexDR, 

I can imagine how stressful and taxing it must feel to go to work and to get things done in this situation. Direct bosses can have a disproportionate effect on an employee’s experience because they do not only set directions for the work but create the environment for the work to be performed. Ideally, they provide clear expectations for work to be done, support and feedback for work being done, and ways to develop professionally and grow to in your career. So, your current worries are valid and understandable but thankfully quite actionable.

Just like any relationship, manager and direct report relationships are like bridges to be built, maintained, repaired, and rebuilt – sometimes elsewhere. It all depends on what “bricks” you are building with – the mindsets, skills, and actions you take to move forward. Here are three:

1| LEAD WITH CURIOSITY 

Listening to your story, I sense that underneath the “worry” is a whole lot of questions about what happened to your otherwise steady, stable, and rather enjoyable career. A sense of puzzlement and confusion about what went wrong with your relationship with your manager. And this in turns leads to effort and energy trying to piece things together and speculate in so many ways other than directly having a conversation with the one person that matters most in this situation.

Setting up that conversation with your boss is easier said than done but the first brick to build with is curiosity. 

• Take time to review your current performance. Are you delivering on your objectives and goals? What were your accomplishments in the past few months? What still needs to be worked on? What support do you need – that would require help from your manager at this time?
• Take an objective step back about the incident that led to the memo. While the issues were eventually resolved, what lessons did you take away from it? In what ways were your manager’s perspectives reasonable? And, besides the relationship aspect, what were the longer-term implications of the incident in terms of policy and process and in terms of your manager’s relationship with others. While the case may have been “resolved”, the impact of the incident may be felt to this day.
• And lastly, begin reflecting on your own intentions for your career. In practical terms, what are the conditions for you to reach the next level in your current position, what are the opportunities to move within your current company, and what are openings in the market for your type of skill and job level. Doing your homework and putting possible paths in front of you may help in clarifying what you are looking for in this stage of your career – regardless of your relationship with your manager.

Leading with curiosity means overriding the feeling of uneasiness and concern with taking time to listen to what these feelings are asking you to do. Think of it as a beginning of a journey, not an end. Is it a path of repairing, rebuilding, or relocating? Finding out is the exciting part! 

2| CONNECT WITH COURAGE (& EMPATHY)

Growing up professionally means seeing your “bosses” no matter how high up or more senior for what they are --- fellow colleagues (and human beings) performing roles in the company, taking care of their careers and livelihoods, and on their own leadership journeys (sometimes just slightly ahead of you). The “memo incident” aside, what are your immediate manager’s current goals or concerns in the company? Where do you think they are in their career or leadership experience? What value does your current function provide that helps them achieve their own objectives and priorities?

All of these are ways to prepare you to connect with them with empathy, to meet them where they are – when you finally set that one-on-one conversation with them. This is where the second brick, courage comes in.

Feelings aside, your boss has a contractual obligation to manage their responsibilities – including managing your performance. And so, it is well within your prerogative to request for a one-on-one meeting at some point – if one is not already required by the company as part of a performance cycle. Ready? 

• Keep it professional. I always say that friendships at work are a bonus, but respect and professional decorum is a must. Know your agenda. You are not there to ask your boss to “like you” again, you are there to discuss your performance and what would it take to deliver and improve – including receiving guidance and feedback from them, in the right frequency and quality of what is needed, and in a positive and safe environment. Set the meeting as a self-initiated performance check-in where you would like to receive feedback and understand your current position and trajectory. 
• Address the elephant in the room. Stop the wondering and put on the table what has been on your mind. Keep it objective by stating your observations, not your speculations. You might say “I noticed that we haven’t had the same level of conversation since…”. “I noticed that most of our communication has been via email lately…” and then state its impact on you “because of this, I am unclear about…” or “the challenge for me is…”.
• Co-create a way forward. After sharing your observations and its impact on you, you may make suggestions on how to communicate with your manager moving forward, such as a regular one-on-one at the frequency and duration that would be helpful to you. Ask for their suggestions on how you might better align and work better together.

Connecting with courage means that you’ve done your part as a professional to address an issue that is impacting your performance. Not bringing it up and letting it fester is not the responsible thing to do for the company and not fair to you. Connecting with empathy means being ready to meet your manager where they are including being ready to accept what they have to say, with openness and humility. It means readying yourself to receive what they have to say – even if it is not what you want to hear. The main thing here is to do yourself a favor to stop the wondering and know where you stand. 

3| REBUILD CONFIDENCE WITH KINDNESS

I can imagine that the last few months have been difficult to say the least. As we spend most waking hours at work, “sleepless nights” thinking of work really saps the energy and passion that has brought you to where you are in your career. The last brick, confidence, is about believing in yourself again. 

• The “memo incident” seems to have been a rocky bump in your otherwise smooth sailing almost 10-year stint in your company. But guess what? Memos happen; mistakes happen whether we want them to or not. This is a learning opportunity about your work ethic, your inter-personal skills, and your aspirations for your career. What lessons are you learning?
• Speaking of your smooth sailing almost 10-year stint in your company, remember that you are not starting from scratch. Rising progressively from the ranks to leading your own team is no easy feat. Recognize your strengths and your network and lean into them to provide the energy and encouragement to push forward at moments of self-doubt. These strengths and network will come into play if you decide to “relocate” to other roles within and outside your company. While a manager’s impact on one’s work life may be significant, it is not the biggest and only factor. Your track record and reputation speak volumes even beyond the company. 

• And lastly, remember that kindness is key. Even if your relationship with your manager does not go back to the way it was, treat them with professional and personal respect. They are also human after all. Yes, we can be the bigger person. This speaks more about your values, not theirs.

To close, I would like to share a motto I live by: “Don’t kick yourself when you’re down.” Self-compassion goes a long way in challenging times like these. And this is what these three bricks are all about. CURIOSITY allows us to know that we are always learning, even from mistakes. COURAGE means facing things we would like to change but knowing that we cannot change everything. A poor manager relationship may be uncomfortable but not a sole reason to quit a company. Lastly, CONFIDENCE is kindness, sharing our strengths to help others and believing in our strengths in tough times.

All the best AlexDR! Exciting times are ahead.

Myke

Myke Santos is a strategy and HR consultant, a university faculty member, and the founder of Brick Management Consulting. His focus is on facilitating change for individuals and organizations by shifting perspectives. He is a certified coach for Transformative Coaching and The Leadership Circle, and a certified facilitator of the LEGO^® SERIOUS PLAY^® Method, which he helped pioneer in the Philippines. He is a seasoned executive and HR leader with more than 25 years of experience in Human Capital Strategy specializing in Organization Development, Change Management, and Mergers and Acquisitions. Myke has led various enterprise-wide initiatives in business and people strategy alignment, corporate restructuring, talent management, and culture transformation. Having worked in a variety of settings, from startup to corporate, local to regional and multinational, has given him a broad perspective of the dynamics of business, organizations, and culture.