15 Things No Man Should Have in His Wardrobe
Statement Shirt
As a general rule, if it's popular amongst the presenters of Top Gear (or The Grand Tour, post Clarkson-gate), it's probably best avoided. Never is this truer than in the field of the "show-stopper" shirt, beloved of men who want to come across as the risk-taking eccentric at the family barbecue. Wearing one of these is definitely a risk.
Two-tone / Panelled Shirt
As a second general rule, if it's popular amongst the presenters of Match of the Day, particularly Alan Shearer, heed the warning signs.
Pointy Shoes
There once was a terrible battle between normal, nice round-ended shoes and the evil pointy, winkelpicker variety that are uncomfortable and seem to have been modeled on the wardrobes of medieval serfs. Sadly, it seems, in large parts of Britain, the pointy shoes won. The effects can be seen on High Streets up and down the land to this day.
Gym-branded Rucksack
Nothing screams "Yes, I've pretty much given up" more to your fellow commuters than this world-weary freebie draped over one shoulder.
Cargo Trousers
When you're embarking on a five-day trek through Snowdonia, it's probably useful to have trousers with 17 pockets of varying depths and multi-zip functionality. In a pub in Wandsworth, however, you look like an arse.
Band T-Shirt
Everyone likes music. But feeling the need to tell the world what music you really really like (look!) through the medium of your clothing is best left behind at Fresher's Week.
Beaded Jewelry
It's irritating, but excusable, on an 18-year-old just back from Koh Tao. But on a 32-year-old Account Manager from Letchworth? If you're trying for edgy and interesting, you're hitting slightly creepy.
Bootcut Jeans
There was a time in the late Nineties, when bootcut jeans were everywhere. That was 15 years ago. To be wearing them now with your rear hem frayed and dragging through puddles is borderline sociopathic.
Football Leisurewear
Football shirts are one thing, but the 'leisure' range of spin-off polos and fleeces for lounging about the house in? Somehow much, much worse.
Comedy Tie
Ties aren't, and never will be, funny. Even the subtlest attempt to bend this law will backfire spectacularly.
Those Too-tight Trousers
You bought them in the sale. Once you got back in the gym routine, you told yourself, they'd fit like a glove. When you wear them you walk like John Wayne during the hemorrhoid years. The charity shop is calling.
Going Out Shirt
Probably black, probably got a wobbly second button and probably faded around the collar because you've been wearing it since 2003. Mix it up a little.
The 'Casual' Waistcoat
So hard to pull off, they should come with a warning notice. Wearers are most likely to be mistaken for a tinker, tailor or recently divorced University lecturer.
Pleather Jacket
If leather jackets are a minefield, their low-quality imitation equivalents are an unrestricted warzone.
White Jeans
Are you anItalian power-boat racer, having dinner in Portofino during a mid-August heatwave? Then you'd better take them off.
This story originally appeared on Esquire.com.
* Minor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.
