Sorry, But the Sexy Moves You're Planning for Valentine's Day Really Suck
It’s Valentine’s Day once again, that non-holiday of holidays where gift-giving and sex go hand in hand...well...more like you hope your efforts lead to sex, or some form of it. But you know, deep down inside, sex all depends on how boss your gift skills are. To help the hapless out, we've put together a quick list of tried-and-tested V-Day gifts—read: TIRED and should be RETIRED, or at the very least reimagined.
1| Flowers and Chocolates
Ah, the good ‘ol number one pairing on everyone’s hit list. It's the first thing you learn to give as a child on Valentine’s Day, the first thing you scramble for when you forget it is Valentine’s, and the first thing you think about when you don’t really want to put in that much effort into planning V-Day.
If it’s the thought that counts, what were you thinking, man? Unless you’re Kanye West, flowerscaping an entire room—complete with pianist—to serenade your wife, you really don’t have much game in the flower-giving business.
And as for your chocolate… if you can get it at the supermarket, it ain’t that special. Your wife can get that during her next grocery run. She probably already has a secret stash in her purse. Girlfriend can also get Godiva the next time she strolls through duty-free at the airport. Aim for higher… especially if you want better sex tonight.
2| Red Lace Lingerie
No, darling. Just no. It’s not sexy, it screams ho.
Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with buying lingerie for Valentine’s, but please, for the love of La Perla, make it tasteful. We want sexy, we want fantasy. We don’t want peep show hooker dancing for sweaty dollar bills.
Another thing: Is the lingerie for YOU or is it for her? Is it for the both of you to enjoy? Because, really, if it’s not her thing to don marabou and lace, why are you buying this for her?
Or if you must, why not take it further and add sparkle to those sexy little underthings? Nothing says I lust you more than a little lace babydoll with a matching Bulgari necklace.
3| Dinner for Two
Ah, yes, yet another stalwart. In these days when gastronomy is fashionable, being able to eat well is a bragging right, an Instagram moment, and sometimes, for those who actually do like eating, a treat. But on V-Day everyone and their wife/ husband/GF/BF/ fill-in-the-blank are out on the town having a meal.
Care to take it up a notch during dinner? Before dessert arrives, lean over and whisper in her ear, in a voice that leaves no room for argument or discussion, “Go to the restroom and remove your underwear. When you return, discreetly hand it to me.”
Continue on with dessert nonchalantly while she remains sans underwear. Discuss mundane things like the weather or stock prices. See how quickly you gulp down the wine, ask for the check, and head out the door for your bedroom.
4| Lazy Oral Sex
Men, it’s time to stop treating this like a special event that comes (pun intended) only once a year… or in some cases never. It’s time to learn the fine art of cunnilingus just as women have had to learn to suck cock for millennia.
Go online. Read up. Find a chart or a diagram and learn where the fuck the clitoris actually is because there is a good chance you’ve been missing it by a millimeter or two for the last 10 years, and every woman has been too polite to point it out.
I hate to burst your bubble, but women have been programmed for generations to accept the fact that men are going to be terrible at going down on us, and we should just bear with it like the intermission of an opera: It will be long, there will be some waiting about, and having alcohol while it’s happening is preferable.
Please change the status quo. If you can make your woman achieve an orgasm by oral sex this Valentine’s Day (as in, she’s not faking it), then consider yourself a V-Day hero.
P.S. Drawing the alphabet with your tongue IS NOT good muff diving strategy.
5| Body Painting Kits, Chocolate Painting Kits, or Anything Equally Messy
This is something that looks good on TV but doesn’t necessarily translate to a good idea in real life. Think of the prep work. Think of the cleanup. Do you really want Yaya or Inday doing the cleanup after your jaunt into the realms of erotic arts?
If you want to be adventurous in that way, invest in a couple’s toy such as the Lelo Tor 2 or the We Vibe Sync. Both are designed for couple’s play and give you such sensations that will keep you and your partner soaring, singing, and screaming throughout the night.
Don’t forget to hydrate as the orgasms achieved by toys like these have been known to turn people into insatiable beasts. You’ll be glad that you started up that cardio regime at the gym. Also, pity the neighbors. Turn on some music to drown out the noise.
6| Bubble Baths
This only works if you have a good bathtub, so if you live in a dingy apartment with an equally dingy bathroom, spring for a nice hotel.
We live in an era of bath bombs and bubble bombs and salt soaks in a plethora of scents, with or without glitter, and god knows what else. You can go to Lush and pick out a few to drop in the bath, or check out local online shop Soak for their artisanal line of bath products.
But creating the perfect bath means more than just bubbles. Candles are a great touch—use lots and place away from the bathtub (all your splashing will kill those candles for sure)—because no one wants bathroom lights on when creating a mood.
Champagne is always a great idea, with strawberries or something equally easy to nibble on while in the tub. Oh, and those nifty little toys I mentioned in No. 5? They’re waterproof.