Today I Learned: Men Experience Greater Heartache After a Breakup

We’ve all seen these scenes in a movie: a heartbroken woman with tears streaming down her face, clutching a pint of ice cream for dear life as she word vomits to her best friend on the phone. Now, picture what the man looks like in this breakup scenario: hanging out in a bar with his friends, stoically muttering “I’m fine” as he nurses a beer.

This is the image pop culture has fed us for decades—that women are the ones who love deeper, suffer more, and prioritize relationships more than men.

Here’s the twist: science says the opposite might actually be true.

A study in the “Behavioral and Brain Sciences” journal challenges this well-worn trope. According to the study entitled “Romantic Relationships Matter More to Men than to Women,” authored by Wahring, Simpson, and Van Lange, men are more emotionally invested in their romantic relationships than women. They rely more on their partners for emotional support, experience greater mental and physical benefits from being in a relationship, and suffer more severe consequences when that relationship ends.

This challenges the way we view gender roles in relationships. Now, you may be wondering: if men are more emotionally dependent on their partners, why are they stereotyped as being commitment-phobic? The reality may lie in how emotional vulnerability in men is perceived. While women are encouraged to express their feelings openly, men are taught to suppress them. This, in turn, creates tension between societal expectations and biological needs, making it even harder for men to deal with their feelings—and their relationship woes.

Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy in Before Sunrise

Men Need Romantic Relationships More

While women are often stereotyped as “clingy” or “needy” partners, research suggests that men actually think romantic relationships are “more central to their well-being.” They are also more likely to seek a romantic partner, idealize love, and even believe in concepts like “love at first sight” and “no barrier is too strong to get in the way of love.”
While this may come across as a shock to the ladies, there are films that have driven home these points—at the very least the last one. Some examples that spring to mind are Titanic (1997), The Notebook (2004), and Pride & Prejudice (2005) wherein the male leads did not let their differences in social standing and unapproving families get in the way of their relationship. Sure, they may not be the perfect examples of love, but that’s a separate argument for another time.

“Love at first sight” is another film cliché that we’ve seen time and again. From that moment Jesse and Celine met on a train to Vienna in Before Sunrise (1995) and the fateful night in New York for Jonathan and Sara in Serendipity (2001) to Michael Corleone being struck by “the thunderbolt” when he met Apollonia in The Godfather (1972), there are no shortages of references for men being awe-struck by the mere sight of a woman. According to the study by Sprecher and Metts, 48 percent of men (as opposed to 28 percent of women), have experienced falling in love at first sight.

ALSO READ

The 50 Best Breakup Songs of All Time

10 Best Breakup Films That Will Make You Feel Much Better About Yourself

But what’s the main reason behind this? Socialization. Women are encouraged to build emotional support networks through friendships and family, while it’s not as expected for men. Instead, they often rely on their romantic partner as their primary—or only—source of deep emotional support. More often than not, they cannot talk about their feelings with their “bros” and their family expects them to be a “rock.”

All in all, men in relationships tend to experience significant boosts in well-being when they’re in a relationship. According to Wahring, Simpson, and Van Lange, married men tend to live longer, have lower stress levels, and experience fewer health complications compared to their single counterparts.

Single women often report the same level of happiness (sometimes even greater) as those in relationships, likely because they have stronger social support networks outside of their romantic relationships. Men, on the other hand, are conditioned to focus on external achievements rather than developing alternative sources of emotional support, which eventually leads to them being more vulnerable when a relationship ends.

Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in The Notebook 

Why Breakups Hit Men Harder Than Women

If men derive more emotional and psychological support from their romantic partners, it makes sense that losing that connection is devastating. This also explains why men are far less likely to initiate breakups; a staggering 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, reveals a study by Brinig and Allen.

Men perceive breakups as a greater loss because they often don’t have the same social safety net to fall back on. Women, who have cultivated strong friendships and familial relationships, tend to recover more quickly. Men, on the other hand, are left to process their feelings on their own which leads to unhealthy coping mechanisms—excessive drinking, social withdrawal, or even risks of suicide.

Women are painted as the more emotional sex, but in relationships, it’s men who struggle more with expressing vulnerability. From childhood, boys are subtly—and explicitly—taught to keep their feelings hidden. Crying? Weak. Talking about feelings? Unmanly. Asking for help? Unacceptable. 

This has long-term consequences. When in a relationship, men rely heavily on their partners for emotional expression and validation. When that relationship ends, they don’t just lose a partner—they lose the only person they felt comfortable opening up to. It’s a codependency that goes beyond a breakup, as widowed men are also more likely to experience depression and a significant decrease in mental and physical health when their spouse dies.

A 2012 study revealed that widowed men experience a 27 percent increase in mortality risk after losing their spouse, whereas for women, the increase is only 15 percent. Essentially,  losing a romantic partner is literally more life-threatening for men than for women.

Complicating matters further, men may not recognize or avoid facing their emotional distress altogether—throwing themselves into work or jumping into a new relationship prematurely. In contrast, women tend to process breakups and loss more thoroughly, allowing themselves to grieve and heal in a healthier way.

Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen in Pride & Prejudice

Men Have Feelings Too

Perpetuating the stereotype that men are emotionally independent and unaffected by love and relationships is not only inaccurate but also harmful. It discourages men from forming strong friendships, seeking emotional support beyond romantic relationships (reminder: your partner is not your therapist), and expressing vulnerability properly.

So, what can we do?

For one, Wahring, Simpson, and Van Lange conclude that as a society, we need to challenge outdated gender norms. We should encourage men, starting from early childhood, to cultivate deep, emotionally supportive relationships. Also, we must recognize that men may need just as much, if not more, emotional support both within and outside the context of a relationship.

Romantic relationships matter deeply to everyone. But if the research tells us anything, it’s that men might actually be the real hopeless romantics—and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.