Politics

Trump's Son Is Selling Videos of Himself for $500. Here Are 51 Better Ways to Spend That Money

Throw a gigantic pizza party.
IMAGE CAMEO
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The same week that Donald Trump shut down his blog because no one was reading, his son, Donald Trump Jr, has launched an equally sad and desperate new venture. Don Jr. has joined Cameo, a site in which (mostly) D-list celebrities can send videos to fans for a fee.

For Don Jr. it costs $500 for him to send a video ($787 if you want it within 24 hours) or $19.99 to send him a direct message. According to his bio, "A portion of proceeds will be donated to Shadow Warriors Project." It's not entirely clear what portion of the proceeds will go to charity, but this comes shortly after Don Jr. complained about having "millions" in legal bills because of the New York attorney general's probe into the Trump Organization.

The videos are pretty much what you'd imagine. The five examples that Trump has on his page feature him in ill-fitting polos, using an aggressive amount of adjectives, gesturing wildly with his hands. For only five Benjamins, Trump will wish you a happy Memorial Day, or as one patron requested, insult your liberal family member. No, seriously.

In one video, Trump says, "I'm told that you're turning older than dirt, and I'm not that sorry about that because I'm also told that you're a serious lib. Fortunately for you, at least you have a family that has the sense to not be a lib and that they're full of Trump supporters, so that's pretty awesome. I've also heard about some of your fetishes, so you may be as sick as some of the people in the Biden family... I hope your family rides you like Seabiscuit."

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All of this is to say, if you have $500 that's burning a hole in your pocket and you are adamant on spending it right now, there are other options. So many other options. Below is a non-exhaustive list of better ways to use your money than spending it on a Cameo from Donald Trump Jr.

1. Buy Girl Scout cookies

2. Throw it into the air, like you’re Mary Tyler Moore and the money is your hat

3. Cover everyone at Applebee’s for a round of Dollaritas

4. Donate directly to a charity that doesn't also give a 'portion' to Don Jr.

5.  Use it to measure a year, investing a dollar every 1,000 minutes

6. Make an extra student loan payment

7. Literally so much weed

8. Buy the entire series of E.R. on iTunes, so you never have to worry where it’s available

9. Splurge on expensive toilet paper

10. Upgrade yourself to first-class

11. Buy this Todd Snyder watch, six times over

12.  Throw a gigantic pizza party

13. Get yourself an iPad!

14. Wish someone a happy Honda Days (this costs nothing but is a better use of your time, which is valuable)

15. Pay off Netflix for two years

16. Recreate a dramatic movie cliche by getting in a taxi and breathlessly saying, “Drive.”

17. Find two really sick front row seats at a big concert

18. Take a class, just to further your education

19. Purchase 56 Bloomin’ Onions at Outback Steakhouse

20.  Subscribe to an actual decade of Esquire.

21. Buy one square foot of land in Scotland

22. Buy a coffee, then leave the rest for everyone who comes after you

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23. Get a Cameo from Gary Busey instead and pocket the other $200

24. Save up $300 more and get a Cameo from a real talent, Gabby Douglas

25. Invest in Dogecoin

26. Send Lor the money to help cover DJ’s ear surgery

27. Buy another round of Dollaritas, because let’s be honest, there are not 525 people in this Applebee’s right now

28. Rent out a theater because you’re still kind of skeptical of enclosed public places

29. Buy the whole suite of WandaVision Pop Funko figurines

30. Get a teacher the classroom supplies the government won’t supply them

31. Donate it to the Okra Project, specifically in Don Jr’s name

32. Give a waiter the most amazing tip of their career

33. Give a drag queen the most amazing tip of her career

34. Buy a wig and become a drag queen

35. Do you have an air fryer yet because I bet you’d love an air fryer

36. Send your mom flowers once a month for a year

37. Worth noting that Carole Baskin is also available on Cameo for $299 and is delightfully unhinged at a fraction of the cost

38.  Look at all these affordable hats!

39. Purchase the cast of A Quiet Place 2 some of those ugly shape up sneakers so that when they walk, they’re more inclined to roll their feet, making for less noisy steps

40. Take the money and get it all in pennies. Spread them out and do that thing where Scrooge McDuck just lays in his coins

41. Restock your bar

42. Book a flight to a country you’ve never visited before

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43. Get a table at the nicest restaurant in town. Get a bottle of wine, too

44. Alternatively, you can get about 400 wings at Buffalo Wild Wings for the same price

45. Three words: drunk online shopping

46. Do the low-level home repairs you’ve been putting off

47. Bankroll an entire Hallmark movie

48. Did you know that a serviceable dishwasher is typically less than 500 dollars? I didn’t!

49. Help a few lucky conservatives replace the Keurigs they smashed a few years back in protest

50. Donate it to a wildlife fund to help curb the damage Don Jr has done by hunting large animals for sport only.

51.  Burn it.

This story originally appeared on Esquire.comMinor edits have been made by the Esquiremag.ph editors.

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Justin Kirkland
Justin Kirkland is a writer for Esquire, where he focuses on entertainment, television, and pop culture. Prior to Esquire, his work appeared in Entertainment Weekly, Hollywood Reporter, and USA Today. He is from East Tennessee and currently lives in Brooklyn, New York.
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